Thursday, November 29, 2012

IT Professional in Training?

Theo has an old iPhone that we recycled to be an iPod Touch. As such, it is WiFi-enabled, so when he's using it at a WiFi hotspot, like our house, he can access the Internet. This makes him happy, as he likes to watch YouTube videos.

All well and good, but he gets rather annoyed when he brings it in the car, where there is no WiFi hotspot. I've explained to him over and over again that it will only work at home (because we don't sign onto WiFi hotspots for him when we're out and about--he's four, for heaven's sake! He doesn't need constant Internet access!), but he doesn't believe me. So today, he came up with a solution to his problem.

Theo: Mom, I'm going to go inside my computer. Will you miss me?
Me: Well, yes, of course. Which computer? And why?
Theo: The computer in my iPhone.
Me: Ah, okay. What are you going to do in there?
Theo: I'm going to go in the computer and turn some knobs and do some switches and fix my WiFi.

I see a possible future as an IT professional for him....

Not Exactly a Wax Likeness...

Theo loves Lady Gaga. And he loves all things related to pooping and bathrooms. So I suppose it is perhaps the highest compliment to Gaga that he called me into the bathroom this morning to inspect his poop, which he claimed "looks just like Lady Gaga!"

For the record, it didn't really look like Gaga to me. More just like poop. But I got to thinking about Madame Tussaud's, and it occurred to me that perhaps Theo could start his own museum of celebrity likenesses...created out of poop!

A Clever Solution

I bought a bunch of bananas, but they're not yet ripe. This upset Theo, but he came up with a rather creative solution:

Theo: Why are the bananas green?
Me: They aren't ripe yet. We just need to wait a couple of days for them to turn yellow and ripen.
Theo: I want one!
Me: Well, you'll need to wait until they ripen. When they turn yellow, they'll be ready to eat.
Theo: Okay, the monkeys can paint them yellow!

So I guess we just need to hire some monkeys to ripen our bananas....

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Party Time

Theo has never had a birthday party, mainly because I'm not a big party person. Don't get me wrong--we make his birthday very special every year! We just haven't done a formal party. This year, however, we may have to change that. Because Theo has ideas...big ideas....

Theo: Mom, who's going to come to my party?
Me: What party?
Theo: My birthday party.
Me: Your birthday isn't for six more months. I don't know what we're doing. Something fun.
Theo: We're having a party, Mom.
Me: We are? I thought maybe we might go somewhere fun and stay overnight at a hotel, since you love doing that. Doesn't that sound fun?
Theo: Okay, Mom. All of my friends can come to the hotel.
Me: Uh...no. That would be instead of a party with your friends.
Theo: I want a party with my friends. I want 100 friends to come over.
Me (laughing): You don't even know 100 people, and that's way too many for a party. Think smaller.
Theo: Okay, how about 10?
Me: Maybe...
Theo: It's going to be a dance party, Mom. With rock music. We can play my CDs, and my friends can dance.
Me: Is that so?
Theo: Yes. Could you put lights up, Mom?
Me: Lights?
Theo: Yes. You can just drill holes in the wall, Mom, and then you put the lights up in there. We need lights for my dance party, Mom....

So apparently, we're going to deck out his playroom like some disco, and all of his friends are going to come over and dance. Which actually sounds like fun, really. One of my big beefs with parties is greed—I don't like people feeling obligated to buy gifts, and I don't like it when kids get greedy about the gifts. But Theo hasn't mentioned a thing about gifts...or even cake. For him, it's apparently all about the dancing and music. I'm kinda charmed by that, so I might just give in and say yes. Maybe. But definitely not to 100 kids!

The Little Executive

While wearing mismatched pajamas and a Pull-Up, and with yogurt smeared on his face, Theo informed me of the following this morning:

Theo: I need to go upstairs for a meeting.
Me: What kind of meeting?
Theo (very seriously): It's for work, Mom. 
Me: I see. Who's going to be at this meeting?
Theo: Um, some people.
Me: And what's it about?
Theo: Well, we sit at a table for a long time, and we write things down and talk about things. It's pretty boring, Mom.
Me: I see. Well, can you have your meeting downstairs instead? Your brother is sleeping upstairs.
Theo: No, Mom. The meeting is upstairs.

This all sounded quite serious, but apparently he's not going to share any juicy details with me. All I know is that he apparently goes upstairs in his pajamas, smeared in his breakfast, and has important meetings. With people. About boring things.

Sounds pretty much like an executive workday, doesn't it? Aside from the attire, that is....

Monday, November 26, 2012

Lyrics a la Theo

Theo has inherited my stellar ability to mangle song lyrics. Such as this morning, when he was heartily singing along to the Beatles: "Could it be...could it be...could it be...could it be.... Whisper words of wisdom, could it be...."

Preschooler Logic

Let me walk you through a chain of Theo logic:

  • Fact: He is not allowed to watch Pink videos, which Mama has deemed "inappwopwiate."
  • Fact: He needs to be older to watch said Pink videos.
  • Theo logic: Older is the same thing as bigger.
  • Fact (according to Mama): He needs to eat and sleep to get bigger.
And thus, he came to this deduction, which I heard him muttering this morning: "I'm not allowed to watch inappwopwiate Pink videos. I need to eat a lot before I can do that."

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Good Music

Theo loves music. "Loves" really probably isn't a strong enough word. Music is pretty much his life. And among his favorite singers is none other than...Neil Diamond. Don't ask me why. Nothing against Neil Diamond, but he's just not typically huge among the preschool set. But to Theo, he is. And so I wasn't surprised to hear this exchange between Theo and Tyler, his 19-year-old cousin:

Tyler: Theo, you like music?
Theo: Yes.
Tyler: I'm going to show you some good music. (As he types on his iPhone to find a good song...)
Theo: Okay. Do you know how to spell "Neil Diamond"?

Alas, Tyler had no Neil Diamond on his iPhone. Theo was quite sad....

Care and Feeding of Toilets

In the world of strange conversations with Theo, this ranks as one of the odder ones I've had:

Theo: Mom, can you eat water?
Me: Well, sort of. I guess you could say that....
Theo: Mom, potties eat poop. And they drink pee.

Well...sort of. I guess you could say that....

Monday, November 19, 2012

Foiled Again

One problem with disciplining Theo is that he's pretty darn good at using my words against me. I had a hard time coming up with a response this morning when we had this conversation:

Me: Theo, please go put that on the table.
Theo: Why?
Me: Because it's mine--it's not yours to be touching.
Theo: Okay, Mommy. My CD player is mine. It's not yours to be touching.

Well-played, Theo, well-played... About two weeks ago, I taped over the volume dial on his CD player because he kept turning it up too loud. This is apparently his way of letting me know not to do that again. :-)

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Thank You for Smoking

Today we took Theo to the Lawrence Hall of Science, which he loved. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and we eventually had to leave and go to lunch. This did not please Theo, and he railed at us all the way to the car, demanding that he did not want to leave and that we were going to stay. We tuned him out and continued to walk to the car, knowing that there's no point in arguing with a four-year-old who is convinced that he makes all the rules. Better to just strap him in the car, wait until he settles down, and then address it.

But the funny thing about Theo is that his tantrums aren't often the screaming variety--more often, he just gets very angry and tells you in a very stern voice what he thinks about things. And so was the case today. As we walked back to the car, I tuned back into his fit when I heard the following:

Theo: And I am going to go to the restaurant and I am going to smoke in there!

We don't smoke, and there's only one person in our extended family who smokes, so I was a bit perplexed.

Me: Theo, what did you say?
Theo: I'm going to smoke in that restaurant!
Me: Um, no. I don't think you are.
Theo: Yes I am! I am going to go up to the alarm, and I am going to pull it, and I am going to smoke in that restaurant!

Aha! Mystery solved. He thinks the fire alarm creates smoke. And if there's smoke in the restaurant, we have to leave and, presumably, come back to the Lawrence Hall of Science instead. Which actually is a very clever plot, if you think about it. I'm not sure how my four-year-old knows enough to realize that if he pulls a smoke alarm, it will create a situation where he can leave a restaurant, but apparently he does. Even if his facts are a bit messed up. I, for one, am just happy he's not actually planning to take up smoking....

Let Me Help You With That

Very often, Theo talks like an adult or an old man. This may be an "autism spectrum" thing (they call it "professor-speak"), but it also may just be Theo. Whatever it is, it can be funny as heck--like last night, when Chris and Theo had the following conversation while Theo watched Chris trying unsuccessfully to peel the cellophane off a DVD case.

Theo (very politely, as if talking to a small child): Dad, is that kind of tricky for you?
Chris (trying not to laugh): Um, yes, a little. If you think you can do better, by all means do!
Theo (after watching for a couple more seconds): I can do it better.

And he reached out, took the DVD case from Chris, and calmly removed the cellophane. I had to laugh at the role reversal--Theo talking very patiently to Chris, as if he were a four-year-old!

Calling AARP

Randomly asked by Theo last night:

"Hey, Mom, when I'm five, can I retire?"

Ah, Theo...you've only just begun....

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

And Again, Apparently We're Dim...

I know teenagers think their parents don't know anything, but I wasn't really expecting that yet. I mean, he's only four. Then again, he's four going on forty, so...

Anyway, I couldn't help but smile at this exchange we had in the car:

Theo (in reference to the car's CD player): Mom, can you put on Disc 3 Song 14, please?
Me: Sure. That was good asking, Theo. (On the rare occasions that he remembers to say "please" without prompting, it's cause for praise! I began fiddling with the CD player to put on the song he wanted.)
Theo: Song 14, Mom!
Me: I know. Just a minute.
Theo: Fourteen, Mom. That's a one and a four. Fourteen.

Ah, just in case I didn't know what the number 14 looks like. Good of him to explain it for me...

Monday, November 12, 2012

Good Grooming

For whatever reason, Theo has suddenly taken an interest in facial grooming.

Theo: Mom, do you cut your eyebrows?
Me: I pluck them sometimes, but I don't cut them.
Theo: Can I pluck my eyebrows?
Me: Uh, no.
Theo: How old do I have to be to pluck my eyebrows?
Me: Boys don't usually pluck their eyebrows. It's usually something girls do more than boys.
Theo: Maybe when I'm 15 I can pluck my eyebrows...

I just keep picturing him like a Ziggy Stardust-groomed David Bowie or something....

Viewing Habits of Centenarians

Theo saw and liked a few episodes of Woody Woodpecker before I decided that I didn't want him watching it. (Woody is kind of bratty and aggressive, and I didn't really feel like having Theo imitate that behavior.) So today, we had this negotiation:

Theo: Mom, I like Woody Woody Woodpecker!
Me: I know...
Theo: Can I watch it, Mom?
Me: No. There are other things you can watch instead.
Theo: Why can't I watch Woody Woody Woodpecker?
Me: It's just not appropriate for your age.
Theo: Fine, Mom. When I'm 100, I will watch Woody Woody Woodpecker.

Watch out, Shady Acres Rest Home--Theo will be commandeering the TV to watch Woody Woodpecker all day!

Bathroom Hazards

Ah, the joy of boys... If the necessity to share a bathroom stall with one arises, you get to field questions like, "Hey, Mom, do you have a big bottom because you make big poop?"

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Etiquette According to Theo

Theo's in a rather bossy, "I want to be in charge" phase at the moment. Which is often annoying but sometimes amusing. Yesterday, it was amusing (well, at least partly) when our conversation took this turn:

Me: Theo, are you finished with lunch?
Theo: Yes.
Me: Okay, then you can clear your plates. But I'll take this last piece of orange...
Theo (snottily): No! I want it!
Me (not relenting simply because he was snotty in the way he talked to me): You said you were finished, so I'm going to eat this last one.
Theo (lunging at me and knocking the orange out of my hand as he tried to grab it): No! It's MINE!
Me (shooting him "the look"): I'm eating the last piece of orange. You do NOT talk to me that way. You use a calm voice. Now, take a deep breath and calm down, or you'll need to go spend five minutes in your room.
Theo (taking a deep breath and lowering his voice to a reasonable level): Mommy, you do NOT take the last piece of the orange. It is not polite AT ALL! You need to go on a timeout right now!

I had to stifle a laugh. Because really, it's not terribly polite to take food from someone's plate. ;-)

I Have Them on Speed-Dial

Theo is a big fan of the Black Eyed Peas. The other day, he wanted to know what they were doing. In typical Theo fashion, a simple "I don't know" wasn't enough. So we had this chat:

Theo: Mom, what are the Black Eyed Peas doing?
Me: Right now?
Theo: Yes.
Me: I have no idea.
Theo: Could you check?
Me: Um, not really. Maybe they're recording an album.
Theo: I fink they're doing a concert, Mom.
Me: At 10 a.m.? Maybe, I guess...it's a little early in the day for that.
Theo: Could you call them, Mom? Could you find out?

Because clearly I'd have the Black Eyed Peas' phone number. In fact, they're on speed-dial.... (When I told him I didn't have their number, he picked up his iPod Touch--a repurposed, deactivated iPhone--and called them. And apparently they confirmed that they are indeed recording an album as we speak. Or so says Theo.)