Friday, May 24, 2013

Accuracy in Self-Portraiture

Theo becomes a stickler for the rules when it suits him. For example, the child who will whine and complain about being asked to wash his hands during the day is suddenly an incredibly diligent hand-washer in the middle of the night, if it delays his return to bed. Similarly, the child who doesn't like drawing and who will whip out a piece of artwork in 15 seconds if it means he can just be done with it becomes a slave to accuracy in the human form if it means he can use his current favorite word. Witness the drawing he made while working with his occupational therapist:



Theo (running out to the waiting area to show me his masterpiece): Mom! I drew a picture of me!
Me (immediately noticing a certain appendage but choosing to ignore it): Oh, that's great, honey! Look, it even has your curly hair!
Theo: And a penis!
Me: Uh, I see that. Theo, that's really not appropriate...
Theo (giggling, as he knows this isn't terribly appropriate): Why?
Me: Penises are private. You don't need to put them in your drawings. Next time you draw yourself, you can just leave that out.
Theo: But Mom, I needed to make sure I drew every part of my body. 

Notice that "every party of my body" apparently doesn't include toes--likely because they're not nearly as exciting as penises. In case you're wondering what the scribble next to about Theo's right knee is, he informed me that it's "a bottom" (with further giggling). "I see," I said. "Bottoms are usually attached to you. Why isn't this one?" His only reply was more giggling and, "It's a bottom! I drew a bottom!"

Also notice that there appear to be two penises in Theo's self-portait. I assure you, that is just wishful thinking on Theo's part. After all, wouldn't most men think that two penises is double the fun?!

What a Treat!

I had to have some fasting bloodwork done today, and I have to have a colonoscopy next week. I'll spare you the gory details, but Theo was very interested in why I wasn't eating breakfast and what the tests were for. The conversation came to this:

Me: Today, I can eat breakfast after I get my blood test.
Theo: Why?
Me: They just need my tummy empty when they take my blood. Then I can eat.
Theo: And next week they will look in your tummy?
Me: Yes.
Theo: Will they see your poop? [Because in Theo's world, that would be the height of excitement!]
Me: No. They give me some medicine to clear everything out of my tummy before that.
Theo: And you can't eat?
Me: Nope. I can't eat anything all day on Wednesday or on Thursday morning. Except lemon Jell-O.
Theo (getting very excited and without the slightest touch of sarcasm): That sounds like a real treat for you, Mom!

Yes, indeed, quite a treat. I'll remind myself of that when I take up residence on the ivory throne for several hours next week....

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Scheming

Theo loves iPhones and iPads more than...well, just about anything. He has a deactivated iPhone that he uses as an iPod Touch, but we keep it up where he can't reach it, so he can't just sit and play with it all day--he has to ask for it when he wants it. And he needs to use it downstairs--he's not allowed to take it up to his room at bedtime. However, he remembers that one time, when he was 3.5 years old (he's now 5), we gave him an iPod Nano in his crib. The reason? We were moving the next morning; everything in our house was packed in boxes, including flashlights; and the movers had knocked the power out. So we were stuck in a pitch-black house overnight, and Theo was understandably freaked out by that and the fact that our house was in a shambles and we'd be leaving it forever the next morning. So, we relented and let him take an iPod to bed just one time. And we ended up having to take it away because two hours after going to bed, he was still wide awake and playing with it.

In general, he has made his peace with the fact that he doesn't get to use an iPod in his bedroom now. But today, he seized upon an opportunity to try to change the rules. Our conversation went like this:

Theo: Mom, where's Daddy?
Me: On the BART train.
Theo: Why isn't he on the bus?
Me: Because he overslept and missed the bus this morning. He had to take BART to work instead.
Theo: Why did he oversleep?
Me: Because he forgot to set his alarm.
Theo: But he doesn't have an alarm clock.
Me: He uses the alarm on his iPhone. And he forgot to set it.
Theo (excitedly): I need to have my iPhone in my bedroom, Mom! Next to my bed.
Me: No, you don't get an iPhone in your bedroom.
Theo: But Mooooommmm! [Yes, we've reached the stage of the long, drawn-out Moooooommm!] I need my phone in my room so I can set my alarm! I don't want to oversleep! I need to get to my work on time, Mom. I need to go to some meetings. So I need to have an iPhone in my room so I can set my alarm and make sure I get to work on time, Mom.
Me (laughing): Nice try. You always wake up at 7; you don't need an alarm.
Theo (trying a second tactic): But Mom, I need a phone in my room in case the power goes out! So I can listen to music and check the time and set my alarm. Because I don't want to be late for work. I need it for when the power goes out, Mom. It helps me deal!

"It helps me deal"??? What is he, fifteen?! 

Words from the Wise

Some recent wisdom from Theo: "You know what? You should not stuff lots of food up your nose!"

Indeed. Truer words were never spoken...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Rules

Theo, who is generally a fan of challenging any and all rules, becomes quite the Rules Police when it suits him—like when he's trying to avoid going to bed. Tonight, like many nights, he went to bed and then got up 10 minutes later, insisting he had to go to the bathroom. I wasn't sure whether Chris had made him go before getting ready for bed, and Chris was now closed in the master bedroom, putting Sam to bed, so I couldn't ask him. So, I relented and told Theo to hurry up, go potty, and get back to bed.

"But Mom," he said, "you gotta follow the rules. Teacher Lorena knows the rules."

"What rules?" I asked.

"I'm going to tell you, Mom," he informed me, as he very slowly went to the bathroom and carefully pulled his PJs back up. "First you go potty, and then you need to wash your hands. You gotta wash your hands after you go potty, Mom. That's the rule. And then I'm going to need some lotion, too, because my hands are dry...."

It should be noted that at any other time of the day, Theo will argue loudly if told to wash his hands after going to the bathroom. Because apparently, the rules only apply when they can be used to stall bedtime!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Diarrhea...of the Mouth

Theo has been feeling a little off for several days, but it was nothing we could pinpoint--just generally kind of mellow (very unlike Theo!) and only picking at his food. Last night, he had diarrhea in the middle of the night, so I think we have our answer. But the amusing part of this is his repeated attempts to convince us that he's well and what we need to do. I am currently Enemy Number One for making him stay home from school, so we've had a lot of arguing this morning. Here's a condensed version of some of his clever plans to get his way:

Theo: Mom! I am not sick! I'm feeling very well!
Me: Well, your tummy is sick, and you can't go to school with a sick tummy. It's against the rules.
Theo: Mom! You need to call Teacher Amanda and tell her I am just fine!
Me: Sorry, buddy. No school today. We'll see how you're doing tomorrow.
Theo: Mom! But I want to ride my bus!
Me: Maybe tomorrow...
Theo: But it's Miss Jeannie today! I'll tell you what, Mom. You just call the bus people, and you tell them to reschedule, and Miss Jeannie can come tomorrow.
Me: You can see Miss Jeannie next week. Tomorrow is Ricardo....
Theo: But I want Miss Jeannie! Where's my iPhone? [Runs off to find his iPod Touch and returns with it clutched in his hand, yelling hysterically] WHERE IS MY CALENDAR APP??? IT'S GONE! I NEED MY CALENDAR APP!!
Me (taking the iPod): It's right here--it's not gone. Why do you need your calendar?
Theo (taking the iPod back from me and busily doing something on it): There! I rescheduled the bus! Miss Jeannie will come tomorrow! It's all done, Mom.
Me (trying not to laugh): Okay. Or you'll see her next week....
Theo: Mom! I need to go to school today! I need to play with my friends!
Me: You can't, buddy. We don't want to get your friends sick.
Theo: Yes, I do!
Me: But if you get Gavin sick, he won't be there to play with you on Thursday....
Theo: Well, I will just play with Ismael, then.
Me: I'm sorry, buddy--we can't have you go to school. Maybe tomorrow.
Theo: Mom! I have a great idea. How about we decorate our house like school?
Me: That is a great idea. I'm not sure how we'll do it, but it's a good idea....
Theo: Okay, Mom, you need to call Teacher Amanda and have her bring all the stuff from my classroom here. She needs to bring all the toys here....

And on and on. He's quite sure he can work out this situation. So much for a stomach bug slowing him down, eh?

Saturday, May 4, 2013

And Still More Creative Solutions...

I just posted yesterday about Theo's attempts to open a box with scissors, a cheese slicer, and a pizza cutter...and today, he was up to more problem-solving antics. You see, recently his CD player died, so we got a new one. We'd had the Volume knob taped down on the old CD player because he couldn't seem to moderate the volume to an appropriate level, but when we got the new one, we told him we'd let him try it without tape. AND THEN WE WERE BACK TO VERY LOUD VOLUME ALL OF THE TIME!! To his credit, he was good about turning it down when we told him to, but it was still annoying to have LOUD MUSIC BLARING every time we turned around. And he seemed to be having trouble keeping his voice down, too--a problem we've been working on for well over a year. He had made a lot of progress, but with the new un-taped Volume knob, the problem seemed to be coming back.

So, I made the executive decision to tape down the Volume knob on the new CD player. As you can imagine, Theo was not happy about it at all!

Theo: Mom! I do not want you to tape down that knob!
Me: I know you don't, but it's either that or I take the radio away altogether. It's just too loud for my ears.
Theo: Don't take it away! I am just going to take that tape and hide it in the secretary desk and put a big, big padlock on it so you can't get it!
Me: You can't lock the secretary. And besides, I always have more tape. This is not up for discussion, buddy.
Theo: Then I am going to just take that tape off the radio!
Me: Then I will take the radio away.
Theo: No! Don't take the radio away! I am just going to put hand lotion on the radio, and that will take off the sticky tape!

At this point, I was impressed by the ingenuity--he wouldn't take the tape off, but the lotion would, by removing the stickiness. Very clever. Alas, Mama won the battle, and there is tape on the radio...much to Theo's chagrin.

Friday, May 3, 2013

One of These Things Is Not Like the Other

Theo brought home his preschool artwork for April today, and in it I found this lovely collage. "Do you like this, Mom?" Theo asked. "It's pictures of food!"

Um...yeah. I swear we haven't been feeding him that item on the far right!


What to Do When Mom Won't Let You Use Sharp Things

The other day, a big box of diapers arrived from Amazon. For whatever reason, Theo felt the need to open this box, so he grabbed his child-friendly scissors and tried to break the tape. Perhaps not surprisingly, they didn't work, so he strode into the kitchen, where I was feeding Sam, and announced, "Mom, I need something sharp."

I laughed and said, "I'm not giving you a sharp object."

While arguing with me (because that's what five-year-old Theo does), he rifled through the utensil drawer and produced a cheese slicer. "This will work," he announced, and headed off to open the box.

"No, honey, that's not going to work, and I don't want it used on the box!" I called.

"Why?" he demanded.

"Because it's not sharp enough to open it, and if you try, you'll break my cheese slicer."

"Okay, Mom," he said, surprisingly agreeably, and put the cheese slicer back...and promptly pulled out a pizza cutter. "I'm going to try this," he announced.

I snickered, "I don't think that's going to work either, but you can try it."

"Yes, it will work, Mommy," he announced, heading back out to open the box.

It didn't...and he again lobbied for a sharp object. I vetoed, of course. I was impressed by his choice of tools, though. I'm not sure many would think to open a box with a cheese slicer or a pizza cutter!