Theodore Henry, Esq.

I think Theo has a serious future as a lawyer. Now that he has learned to ask questions, he's like a pitbull--never letting go until he gets the answers he wants. We just traded in our Honda CR-V for a Honda minivan, and predictably, Theo was a bit stressed about relinquishing the CR-V. (He gets a little agitated by big changes these days.) And so, we had this conversation at the car dealer:

Theo: We're going to buy a van!
Me: Yes, we're going to give the dealer Mommy's car, and we'll take home a van.
Theo: When are we going to give it back?
Me: We're not. They'll have our car, and we'll take the van. That will be our new car.
Theo: Who's going to get our car?
Me: I'm not sure--the dealer will sell it to someone.
Theo: Who's he going to sell it to?
Me: I'm not sure. Probably someone who doesn't have kids. Sometimes when you have kids, you need a little bit more space in the car.
Theo: But who's he going to sell it to that doesn't have kids?
Me: I don't know. Maybe some old people...
Theo: What are the old people's names?
Me (wracking my brain to invent some old people): John and Mary.
Theo: Who are they?

...and so I had to invent a detailed character sketch of John and Mary, the old people who bought our CR-V. This was Sunday, and I thought it was over...until Wednesday, when he suddenly brought them up again.

Theo: Mama, did John and Mary buy our car?
Me: Yep, they sure did!
Theo: What are they doing with it?
Me: Um, probably driving it...
Theo: When are their birthdays?
Me (wondering where on earth that came from): Um...February 12th...

I guarantee you I'll get caught in this web of lies somehow, when Theo once again interrogates me about the mysterious John and Mary and I forget what sorts of details I invented for them. Sigh...that boy needs to put his powers of interrogation to good use someday!

What Goes on at the Kennel

Theo is currently undergoing an assessment through the school district (long story!), and today was the language portion of the evaluation. It was really interesting to watch, and I beamed with pride as my almost-four-year-old blew through the language-comprehension portion of the test. It only goes through comprehension up to age seven, and he aced it! I can only imagine how far beyond age seven his actual comprehension goes, since he tends to be very strong verbally. As an editor, you can imagine that my heart swelled with pride that my boy is good with words. :-) But perhaps even more, my bathroom-humor side swelled with pride at this exchange between Theo and the evaluator:

Theo: I need to call the kennel.
Miss I: You need to call the kennel? What do you do at the kennel?
Theo: I see dogs pooping there.

Well, yes...yes indeed!

Outsmarting the Psychologist

Theo is currently undergoing a preschool assessment through the school district. This consists of a battery of tests, one of which is a series of intelligence tests. Today was his first testing day, and he started it out rather amusingly. He was sitting on the floor playing with some tools when the school psychologist (Allyson) came out and squatted down next to him.

Allyson: Oooh, do you have some tools there? What do you have?
Theo (holding up a pair of pliers): These are like tweezers.
Allyson: Yes, they kind of look like tweezers, but it's a wrench.
Theo (very bluntly and matter-of-factly): Actually, they're pliers.

Everyone in the room burst out laughing because indeed they were pliers, and the tone in his voice clearly said, "Come on, lady--don't you know pliers when you see them?" Later, Allyson tried to take him in the testing room, and she couldn't get the door open.

Allyson: Uh oh, the door is stuck!
Theo: I think you need to get a key.
Allyson: No, I don't think it's locked--I think it's just stuck.
Theo: You need a key...

Guess what? They needed a key; it was locked. She stood corrected--and perhaps wondering whether the intelligence test is necessary. ;-)

The Importance of Proper Nomenclature

We've always used the correct names for body parts around here. I feel like an absolute fool using names like "Mr. Winky" or "Your Peepee Part" for genitalia, so when Theo first asked me what his penis was called, I gave him the correct name.

This is all well and good...until your son suddenly says in the car, "Hey, could you kiss my p***s and make it feel better?"And you turn around in shock and horror, wondering what on earth has happened to your child to make him say that...only to see him innocently holding up his pinkie finger, which has a tiny scratch on it.

Pinkie, Theo...not penis. Pinkie...

Potty Talk

My son is a typical boy, finding all things related to poop quite amusing. As we got ready for nap time today, we had this conversation:

Theo (sitting on the toilet): I pooped! My poop smells brown!
Me (laughing): What does brown smell like?
Theo: My poop smells deeeeee-licious!!
Me: I'm not so sure about that.
Theo: It's gnarly! Hey, I want to go in there! [pointing down the toilet]
Me: Down the sewer? Why?
Theo: I want to say hi to the peepee and poopoo and the spider!

We flushed a dead spider down the toilet four months ago. Evidently he still remembers it fondly....

A Unique Problem--and Solution

The things that pop into preschoolers' minds are endlessly fascinating to me. For example, Theo likes to make shapes with his hands--he'll touch his thumbs and index fingers together to make a circle shape or a diamond shape. Today, we had this conversation:

Theo: Mommy, I'm going to make a circle with my fingers.
Me: Ah, it looks great!
Theo: Mommy, I can't make a square with my fingers....
Me: No, I guess that would be kind of hard.
Theo: Yeah, it's kinda tricky for me. I need square fingers. Can you get me some square fingers, Mama?

Sure...the next time I'm at the square-finger store. :-)

Animal House

My older son has taught himself how to fart on command. The smaller peanut poops on me multiple times a day. Yep, I'm pretty much living in a frat house here....

Dr. Seuss Fan

Theo and I had the following conversation this morning:

Theo: Mama, do you know where Daddy is?
Me: Yes, he's at work.
Theo: What is he doing at work?
Me: I don't know--why don't you tell me what he's doing? (Truth is, I do know--but I've answered this question multiple times every day for the past several weeks, so I decided to turn it back around and see whether Theo had been listening to my response, which every day is, "Editing a report about macular degeneration.")
Theo: I fink he's reading big words, too--like Constantinople and Timbuktu!

Extra points for anyone who can tell me what Dr. Seuss book that line comes from. :-) (And I love that he's quoting Dr. Seuss during Dr. Seuss month!)

Bathroom Etiquette

One thing I love about Theo's preschools is that they have taught him very polite phrasing. We tend to be pretty relaxed about how we phrase things--we're more likely to say, "Theo, wanna go to the store?" than "Theo, would you like to go to the store with me?" for example. (I realize this is a bit odd, given that we're both editors! But just because we know the proper ways to speak and write doesn't mean we do it all the time!)

Anyway, lately Theo asks everything in the form of "Mama, would you like to...?" It's rather cute when it turns out to be something he wants me to do for him, such as, "Mama, would you like to make me a copy of that CD?" (Um, not really--there are other things I might rather do. But gee, you asked really nicely, so...) But it's particularly amusing when it has to do with bathroom issues. The other night, I heard a sweet voice call from the bathroom, "Daaaaaaaadddddy! Would you like to wipe my bottom?"

Now, how could Chris turn down a request like that?!

On Stevie Nicks's Tour...

Theo has very eclectic taste in music--he loves everything from Mozart to tuba music to Lady Gaga to the Beatles to Neil Diamond.... One of his recent favorites is Stevie Nicks, and he knows that Chris and I once saw Stevie Nicks in concert at the amphitheater that happens to be just about a mile down the road from our house. So this morning, as we were driving past a sign for the amphitheater, he announced, "Someday, we can go see Stevie Nicks in concert, and she will sing songs. She will sing the ABCs and some Neil Diamond songs!"

Oh, how the mighty have fallen! From the glory days of Fleetwood Mac to performing Neil Diamond covers and the ABCs for a four-year-old audience....

Breast Pumps for All!

This week, I returned my rental hospital-grade breast pump to Kaiser, as I've found I'm able to pump just as well with the two pumps I currently own. But Theo was very upset about this, as he is quite interested in breast pumps and thinks we should have as many as possible. And so we had this conversation:

Theo: What are you doing, Mama?
Me: Packing up the breast pump so I can return it to Kaiser.
Theo: Why, Mama?
Me: Because I don't need it anymore. I have other breast pumps I can use.
Theo: Daddy needs it!
Me (laughing): No, I don't think Daddy needs my breast pump!
Theo (with great authority): Daddy needs his own breast pump.


See? Now you all know what to get Chris for his birthday: his very own breast pump! 

Preschool Criteria

It appears that we need to find Theo a new preschool. I'll spare you the details here, but suffice it to say that I talked to Theo about it last night and told him he'd be going to his current preschool for a while longer, but that we'll be looking for another preschool for him. His reply? "I would like to go to a preschool with a cafeteria. And a forklift."

Hmmm. Cafeteria is a possibility, but a forklift? That's going to be a tall order....