That's a New One...

I got home with the boys today, and Theo and I both had to go to the bathroom. He used the downstairs toilet, and I went upstairs. When I came down, we had this exchange:

Me: Theo, did you pee or poop?
Theo: Just pee, Mom. Only my penis was upset, not my tummy. So just pee.

I tried not to snicker at the mental picture of a poor, upset penis....

Tales of a Drunk Preschooler

Theo had to get a tooth pulled and two cavities filled. Being the high-strung type, he was far too nervous for the dentist to do it with just laughing gas. (We tried--it was a no-go.) So, we had to reschedule his appointment so it could be done under "conscious sedation." In other words, the dentist got my 4.5-year-old "drunk" on Versed so he'd be nice and relaxed for the procedure. It worked--and the added bonus was that I got to see Theo "drunk," which was pretty darn hilarious. Theo being Theo, he was still trying very hard to talk...but it just wasn't working too well!

When the procedure was over and the Versed started to wear off, he turned into a belligerent drunk, which was equally amusing. The whole way home, I could hear his angry voice from the back seat, demanding, "WHY is my lip hurting, Mommy? How long will it hurt for? How many minutes? Why CAN'T I use the iPad? I am FINE to hold the iPad, Mommy! No, I do NOT need to rest, Mommy! I am feeling JUST FINE!"

Elvis Aspirations

Me: Theo, do you need to go potty?
Theo: No.
Me: Then why are you holding onto the front of your pants?
Theo: Well, Mom, because I like to be like Elvis Presley.

Hmmm. Well, I couldn't argue with that one.

Mr. Outgoing

It has gotten pretty hilarious to take Theo anywhere, because he's become a total social butterfly. There is no shyness in that child, which is pretty remarkable given that he is the offspring of two shy wallflowers! Unlike his reticent parents, Theo will charge right up to anyone and start a conversation. And I don't think his victims are quite expecting the questions he lobs at them--they aren't quite the typical four-year-old questions. Today provides a good example. I took the boys to a local health-food store in search of chia-seed meal (to thicken Sam's liquids, so I don't have to keep using the chemical stuff). Theo announced loudly as we walked in the door, "Wow! Look at this great store! I'm so excited to look around!" Then he charged through the store exclaiming over all of the health-food items. In the bulk-items section, he encountered his first victim:

Theo: Hello! Hey, she's wearing shoes that are hard to walk on! [Pointing to a woman in low heels.]
Me: Yes, I suppose she is.
Woman in Heels: Well, hello. Yes, I am wearing shoes that are hard to walk on. But they're just little heels.
Theo: Why are they little heels? Why aren't you wearing big ones?
WiH: Well, I guess I like the little ones....
Theo: Um, do you have any kids? (He asks this of everyone--he even asked an 11-year-old this the other day!)
WiH: I do. I have a son. How old are you?
Theo: I'm four-and-a-half! How old are you?
Me: Theo, it's not polite to ask grown-ups that....
WiH: I'm 55.
Theo: Are you old?
WiH: Well, I'm older than you....
Theo: Hey, how old are your kids?
WiH: My son is 24.
Theo: Is he big?
WiH: Yes, he's very tall. Are you shopping with your Mom?
Theo: Yes, I am!

And he started to talk her ear off some more, but I ushered him away so the woman would be spared further interrogation. A few minutes later, Theo spotted his next victim.

Theo: Mom! Why is that lady buying so much stuff?
Me: Maybe she hasn't been shopping in a while and she needs it.
Theo: Why does she need it?

I aimed him the other way before he could start interrogating her, but then he saw a bicycle parked at the front of the store as we approached the checkstand.

Theo: Mom! Why is there a bicycle in here?
Me: Because someone rode it to the store, I suppose.
Theo: Was it that man?  [Pointing to a man near the bike.]
Me: Probably.
Theo (louder): Um, hey! Did you ride your bike to the store? Is that your bike?

The man, a reclusive-seeming type, didn't say a word but nodded shyly. Theo, seeing no willing victim in him, began talking the cashier's ear off instead.

We were in the store for about four minutes. FOUR minutes. As entertaining as it was, you can see why I generally shop when a certain interrogator is in school!

Sweetness

Okay, this isn't a funny post, but it was so sweet that I had to share. I was talking to my Mom on the phone the other day, and she said she's having a hard time thinking of what to get Theo for his birthday. So a few minutes later, when I put Theo on the phone, they had this conversation:

Grandma Diane: Theo, what would you like more than anything for your birthday? What would you really like to have?
Theo: I want to come to your house.
Grandma D: You want to come to my house?
Theo: Yes. And you can bake me a cake. [Okay, this part is funny. My Mom hates to cook and bake!] And Mommy and Daddy and Sammy will go somewhere else, and I will stay at your house.

I was so touched that what he wants most of anything is to spend some one-on-one time with his Grandma! Though it turns out there's a little ulterior motive going on: According to my Mom, whenever we leave Theo with her, he tells her all the things that she lets him do that we don't, and then tries to convince her that they need to do them.

Ah well, it's still sweet!

Fire Safety

This month has been fire and safety month at preschool. Theo has been learning all about emergency personnel, ambulances, firemen and fire trucks, what to do in the event of a fire, and so on. Yesterday, his class visited the fire station, where all of the key points were reiterated. And apparently, Theo's been quite attentive to the lessons. I found that out this morning when we got to Sam's PT appointment a little early:

Me: Theo, we're here a little early. We'll sit in the car for 10 minutes and then go in. You can play Angry Birds on your phone. [The phone in question is an old, deactivated iPhone that he uses for games, music, etc.]
Theo: Okay, Mommy.

He played for a few minutes while I fed Sam and browsed the news on my phone. And then I heard this from the back seat:

Woman's voice: 9-1-1. What's your emergency?

It took a second to register, and I turned around to see Theo innocently holding the phone and looking at me wide-eyed.

Me (slightly panicky): Did you call 9-1-1, Theo?
Theo: Yes!
Me (whipping still-eating Sam off my chest and jumping out of the car): Don't hang up!!

But it was too late--he had already hung up on the operator. My mind was swirling with stories of people being fined for bogus 9-1-1 calls, but thankfully, it's been four hours and no one has shown up at my door, demanding to know why I prank-called 9-1-1.

Important lesson for Theo: Only dial 9-1-1 in an emergency.
Important lesson for me: Deactived iPhones still work for calling 9-1-1.

At least I know he was paying attention in school, right?

My Words Come Back to Haunt Me...

Theo and I had a bit of a skirmish yesterday morning. He had woken up at 4:40 a.m. and was rather cranky by 9 a.m. I had just sat through 75 minutes of traffic to get him to his OT appointment, so I was cranky, too. And so, I was lacking in patience when he woke up his brother after I specifically told him not to talk while getting out of the car. (My plan was to run Theo up to the door of his appointment, all of 25 feet from where I was parked, while keeping an eye on the van with sleeping Sam inside.) And so, we had this exchange:

Theo: Mom, are you angry with me?
Me: I'm frustrated with you for waking Sammy when I asked you not to.
Theo: I'm sorry, Mom...
Me: I know you are. Let's just go to your appointment. You can try harder to stay quiet next time....
Theo: Mom, you need to shape up right now! And lose the attitude!

I was so taken aback that I started to laugh. He was so indignant! And I know exactly where he heard the phrase "lose the attitude"--from his parents, who are rather frustrated lately with the four-year-old sass!

Ahhhh, it hurts when your words come back to haunt you....