Conversations with Theo

We found one of those "conversation starter" boxes of cards at our rental cottage while on vacation, so we played one day at breakfast. Here's the world according to Theo:

What's the most beautiful body part? Your stomach, because it's full of food.

What's your dad's favorite bad word? Ugly stinky butt! (For the record, I've never heard Chris haul that out.)

When have you argued with your parents? Since I was three years old. (Um, yes, yes, a thousand times yes.)

When's the last time you did something mean? In kindergarten I told my teacher "Fine, fine, fine, what do you want now?" That was rude. (Yes, yes it was.)

What's your biggest pet peeve? Toddler areas. Too many crying babies!

Which celebrity do you think will die next? Jimmy Carter

How much would you need to be paid to spend a year in jail? Just a dollar!

Who's your most annoying relative? Sam! He's always marauding all over the place.

Who would make the best president? Me! (God help us all...)

Beauty and Death

One night in Seattle, we took a hike down to a beach. There was a cliff on one side of the trail, so I cautioned Theo to stay on the inside of the trail instead. "Mom," he replied seriously, "I've got to tell you two things about a cliff. The bad thing is that you might fall off it and die. The good thing is that you get a beautiful view."

Well, yes. Those are both true statements, I suppose. 

Of Course They'd Name It After Him

We recently took a vacation to Seattle, and one of the things Seattle is the home of (besides Starbucks!) is Theo Chocolates. Theo was very excited about that and couldn't wait to visit their factory. Unfortunately, they don't allow kids younger than seven on the tour, but we were able to go into the gift shop. We let Theo try a lot of samples, we bought a bunch of chocolates, and then we were ready to head out the door when Theo turned around and said, 

"Bye! Thank you for letting us visit! And thank you for naming your chocolate after me!"

Because of course it's named after him. He's famous, you know. :-)

 

He Likes to Do the Talking

Whenever I have to bring Theo along to an appointment, he likes to do the talking. And I often let him, because it's often quite amusing, and people seem to get a kick out of it. Plus, he's usually pretty thorough. We recently had to visit an emergency vet for our sick pug, and I have to admit, he summed up the issue pretty concisely the moment she stepped into the room:

"Um, hi. Two weeks ago, our pug Luna ate a $2,000 apricot pit, and today I stepped in her yucky, gross poop with my bare feet."

Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

When the Simple Solution Just Won't Do

Theo has very much wanted to get a set of hand weights, as he needs to "work out and get big guns, Mom." (Guns meaning muscles, not firearms!) So I finally told him if he really wanted them, he could use money from his piggy bank to buy them. And today was the day—I sent him upstairs to get $8 out of his piggy bank while I finished the dishes. A few minutes later, he came back downstairs, looking very serious.

"Mom, I made a bigger hole in my piggy bank. I think we need to fix this. The coins were stuck in there, so I decided to use my sword to get them back."

Because asking Mom for help would've been too simple and logical—this was clearly a job for a sword!

Progress Update

I think it's possible Theo has been around too many download-progress bars. I took him to the bathroom the other day, and he delivered the following running monologue while sitting on the toilet:

"Mom, I have to P-O-O-P. I have about 80% left, Mom. That's my progress, Mom. No, now I have about 19% left. Oh, no...now I'm done. That's it, Mom. Zero percent left. I'm all done with my poop."

Fantastic. Nothing like an incredibly accurate status update on a bowel movement.

On Marriage Equality...

My husband and I support marriage equality, so Theo has grown up with the belief that a man can marry a woman or a man, and the same is true for a woman. However, one of his little friends recently told him, "No, boys can't marry boys!"...and of course, he believes his friend over us. (Sigh...) So we've been doing a little damage control and trying to reinforce the idea of marriage equality. This led to an interesting conversation this morning, in which Theo try to reconcile the tiny bit he knows about the tensions in the Ukraine with his limited understanding of marriage:

Theo: Mom, a boy cannot marry another boy.
Me: That's not true, Theo. Depending on what state you live in, as long as you are an adult and both of you want to get married, a man can choose to marry a man or a woman.
Theo: But Mom! My friend said boys can't marry boys, and I agree with him.
Me (deciding that, because we've already had this discussion a dozen times, it was time for a full explanation): You're not old enough to make that decision yet. You want to know the grown-up truth? Not too long ago, men could only marry women, and women could only marry men. But then a lot of people realized that it wasn't fair to tell adults who they were allowed to marry and who they weren't, so in some states, a man can now marry a man, and a woman can now marry a woman. Some people don't agree with that—some people think men should only marry women, and women should only marry men. But many people—and Daddy and I believe this—think that as long as two people are adults and want to get married, they should be allowed to get married. So the laws are changing, and in many states you can now marry a man or a woman.
Theo: Well, how long ago did that change?
Me: Very recently. Like within the last couple of years.
Theo: And Russia is arguing about it.
Me: No, Russia is arguing about things, but not to do with who can get married in the United States.
Theo: Well, I'm going to marry a girl.
Me: That's fine. When you're an adult, if you want to marry a girl, that's fine. And if you want to marry a boy, that's fine too. As long as both of you want to get married, Daddy and I will love and support you.
Theo: But what if you want to marry someone, and they don't want to marry you?
Me: Then you don't marry that person.
Theo: Is it okay if you don't get married?
Me: Of course! You don't have to get married to anyone, but if you want to get married, it can be to a girl or a boy. You'll understand more when you're older.
Theo: Well, I'm just going to marry Ella, Mom. And I know she's going to want to marry me, too.

Of course. Because who wouldn't? :-)