Words to Live By

Uttered by Theo on our walk to school...apropos of nothing.

"Mom, enjoy your life until you die."

He's profound, that one. Or morbid. I haven't decided which.

Alex P. Keaton, Part II

Remember that old 1980s show, Family Ties? Michael J. Fox played Alex P. Keaton, the money-loving Republican son of liberal, semi-hippie parents? Evidently we're reenacting that. Chris and I tend toward the liberal side, but Theo seems to be an Alex P. Keaton in training, as evidenced by his schoolwork. I went to Back to School Night in September, and every kid had made a poster with his or her picture, saying what they wanted to learn. Twenty-five children said English, science, or math. One child said "money." Can you guess who it was?!

Mr. Confident

When we checked out a new sporting-goods store recently, Theo had to ride the elevator.

Theo: Mom, it's a Schindler HT! But it's missing a nameplate.

Me: Then how do you know it's a Schindler?

Theo (completely seriously): Well, Mom, because I know everything.

Confidence is not an issue in this child.

A Good Reason to Have Kids

Theo wanted to buy something at Target but didn't have money with him, so I told him I'd buy it and he could pay me back. But when I went to collect on the debt, he was less enthusiastic.

Theo: You mean you're going to keep my dollars?

Me: Yes, that's how it works when you buy something—the other person keeps your money.

Theo: Well, then I'm just going to marry Ella, and she will have kids, and they can give me money.

Wait a minute—your kids give you money?! I knew there was a reason I had them!!

In Praise of School

As I've mentioned, Theo isn't particularly a fan of school. About two weeks into the school year, I asked him how school was:

Theo: Fine.

Me: Tell me one thing you did in class today.

Theo: Boring work for babies.

Flattery

Some weeks ago, we got our family pictures taken. I put on makeup for the first time in almost a year, and when Theo saw me, his eyes lit up and he said, "Mommy! You look just like...a normal mom!"

I was glad he didn't say "a clown," at least....

Even He Has Standards

Theo: Mom, men and women have different body parts. But everyone has a bottom.

Me: That's true. Did you talk about that at school today or something?

Theo: No, I'm too smart for that. It's undignified.

The Tiny Peanut Speaks

As I've said, the littlest peanut is mostly nonverbal, so he doesn't get much coverage on here. But every so often he voices his opinion. Like when I need to take the trash out instead of reading "My Truck Is Stuck" for the umpteenth time. Then he stomps over to the cupboard, slams the door shut so I can't get the trash out, and bellows "ALL DONE!"

That's One Solution...

Theo has a tendency to not eat his lunch at school...and then be very grumpy due to low blood sugar when I pick him up. So when I nagged him about it for the umpteenth time, his cranky reply was, "Well, if you don't want me to come home with so much food left in my lunch bag, you should pack me a smaller lunch!"

Well, I suppose that's one solution. Although I hardly think the small three items that I pack him constitutes a big lunch....

Inventor

I always have some interesting chats with Theo on the way to school. One morning last month (I'm woefully behind on posting these!), it was about his plans to build a metal detector so he can better search for coins.

"Mom, here's what you need—two things. You need a radio—the old-fashioned kind, not an iPod. And you need a calculator. You turn the radio way up high on the dial—so high that it just sounds like static. Then you connect the calculator to it. Then it will work like a metal detector, so you can find coins." 

Why do I think that in some crazy way, this might work?!

Steep Fines!

Overheard while I was working at Chris was watching the boys downstairs: Negative behavior from a certain first-grader, resulting in said first-grader's father sending him to his room. The angry first-grader then yelled, "Dad, I do NOT want to be in my room! You need to pay me $8,800!!"

No idea of the significance of this number, but it seems like quite a hefty fine!

Job Opportunities

My biggest client closed their doors several weeks ago, so we've had to make some necessary budget cuts to account for the large drop in income. Theo wasn't thrilled by some of them, so I tried to make it into a teachable moment when he grumpily announced that I should just "make more money."

Me: Well, it's not that easy. People need to hire you for you to be able to make money.

Theo: Well, Mom, you could go work at Safeway.

Me: Yes, I could. It's been a long time since I worked at a grocery store, though. I don't have much recent experience.

Theo: Well, then you could go work at Starbucks!

Me: Wouldn't that be fun? But I don't know how to make coffee. I'm not sure they'd hire me.

Theo: Okay, then how about you go work with Daddy at Genentech?

Me: I've thought about that, but you know what? I'd never see you guys! I'd be working all day Monday through Friday, and I wouldn't get to take time off to do stuff with your school. I like to work at home so I can spend time with you and Sam.

Theo: Okay, then maybe you can earn some money by taking the yard waste out to the curb on garbage day.

Me: That's your job. Are you going to pay me?

Theo: Yes. Also, you can make some money raking leaves.

Me: And you're going to pay me?

Theo: Yes. On credit. How much do I need to pay you?

Me: Oh, I think $1,000 sounds fair....

Theo: No, I think more like 50 cents, Mom. Two quarters. That's enough to get you started, Mom.

Good that I have him to look out for my financial future....

Bear Safety

Theo, on bear safety:

Theo: Mom, what if I saw a bear?

Me: Well, we don't really have bears around here. A mountain lion would be more likely.

Theo: But what if I did? What if I was somewhere and saw a bear?

Me: Then you should try to make yourself look as BIG as possible, and make a lot of noise. Don't run, because if you run the bear will think you're another animal, and it might chase you.

Theo: Or I could just use a gun and shoot it.

Me: Well, that's a rather drastic step, but yes, I suppose that is one answer. But you won't have a gun if you're a kid. And hopefully not as an adult, either.

Theo: Well, I could also just distract the bear by juggling.

Indeed. I hear bears are often effectively distracted by juggling children.

Language

Chris: "Theo, stupid isn't a nice word!"

Theo: "I know. I don't say that word. I use other bad language instead."

Um...awesome?!?!

On Conception

Warm fuzzes from Theo on the walk to school a few weeks ago:

"Mom, I was up in the stars since 1763, and then I rode a shooting star right down into your tummy before I was born! But that wasn't my best decision, because now I'm stuck with you for a very, VERY long time."

I sense he won't be nominating me for Mother of the Year this year....

Frozen Frenzy

If you have been around children at all, you've likely heard about Frozen—especially if you've been around little girls. And I admit, it's a really cute movie. But seriously, every little girl on the planet wants to be Elsa from Frozen, I think. And so, on Halloween when I asked Theo what his classmates dressed as, he announced, "Well, there was a very sleepy zombie and a whole lotta Elsas."

I'm not surprised. :-) (He, by the way, was a penny. But not just any penny—he wanted to be a wheat-back penny. Of course. Nothing ordinary for Theo...)

On Mondays

"I don't like Mondays. Mondays are just a roller coaster of blah."

—Theo, on a new school week starting

More Civil Disobedience

One of Theo's main gripes about first grade is that he doesn't like P.E. In fact, he pretty much hates it. They have it twice a week, and when I pick him up on those days, he is unfailingly grumpy and announces, "We had P.E. today, and it was not fun!" 

Last week, he got in "a really big argument" with his friend Eduardo because Theo decided to wage a quiet protest and sit out, rather than reporting to his P.E. number. Eduardo apparently was quite upset by this and told Theo he had to participate. Upon hearing this, I asked Theo, "What did your P.E. teacher have to say about this?" He replied grumpily, "Nothing. I told her I'm not doing it." I said, "Oh, and she was fine with that?" and he admitted that he had actually told her "in his head"...but that next time, he was going to say it out loud.

"I will just tell her that I'm going back to my classroom instead, Mom. I do not like the jogging they make us do. I'm not doing it." 

Best of luck to you, P.E. teacher....

Civil Disobedience

There's a fair amount of stuff that Theo doesn't particularly like about school, but thankfully he has, for the most part, decided to make a quiet and largely respectful stand about it. One of his gripes is that he wants to write in cursive, but they don't teach it in first grade. This galls him. So he recently announced angrily, "Well, I am just going to write in cursive at school, Mom!" And then he stood and stared at me, proud and defiant, waiting for me to have some reaction to his news.

Poor kid wants so badly to "stick it to the man," but he just doesn't know how....

What P.E. REALLY Stands For

Theo is not a fan of P.E. In fact, I think "hate" might be too mild of a word. So it came as no surprise when he said, "Mom, did you know that P.E. stands for Poopical Education?" 

Yeah, that pretty well sums up his attitude about it.

Big Mama

Among the more complimentary things he's said about me recently:

Wine Connoisseur

Theo's science homework as to compare two liquids in bottles. The clear one seemed appropriate given his recent proclamation of, "When I'm 21, I won't drink beer. I prefer wine."

On Indepence

"Well, Mom, I'm going to move out of this house and into a cabin in the woods. I've been living with you guys since 2008, and it's time for me to move on."

Apparently he's a six-year-old Thoreau....

Doing Time

Theo has never been a big fan of authority. His recent sentiment? "Mom, it's like I'm in parent jail right now. That's when you're stuck with your parents for a very, very long time."

Little does he know his "sentence" is only a third of the way up.

The Littlest Peanut Speaks!

Our littlest peanut, at almost three, still communicates mostly through gestures and signs, so he doesn't get much coverage on here. But he's really trying to talk more, and making lots of progress! Check him out!