Evil Genius

Theo can tell time (more or less) on a digital clock, and he knows he's allowed to get out of bed every morning at 7 a.m. That said, I wanted a few extra minutes to myself to shower before he awakened, so I decided to be clever and set his clock back 20 minutes--so when his clock says 7:00, it's actually 7:20. (Why not just tell him he can't get up until 7:20? Because I fight parenting battles every day, and I didn't feel like fighting yet another....)

This plan worked very well for a couple of months. And then, a few days ago, I noticed he burst into my room at 7:15. "That's odd," I thought. "His clock should say 6:55 right now." I went and checked, and it said 7:04. I reset it and didn't think much about it--perhaps Chris had changed it and forgotten to tell me. It's on top of a five-foot dresser, so surely Theo hadn't messed with it. (Ha!)

This morning, Theo burst into my room at 7:00...by my clock. "Your clock doesn't say 7:00!" I challenged. "Yes, it does," he replied. I went to check. Guess what? His clock said 7:02. I asked Chris whether he had reset it. He hadn't. I haven't. Sam can't even really use his hands yet, much less climb atop a dresser to stage such an evil plan! The pugs don't have opposable thumbs, so it wasn't them. That leaves one person who could've changed the clock: one short, blond mop-top.

What really floors me is that he not only managed to climb to the top of the five-foot dresser, but he somehow pushed the right sequence of buttons to change the clock to exactly 7:00. My mother can't even reset an alarm clock--how did my four-year-old manage to do it? This isn't a matter of just randomly pressing buttons and getting lucky--he actually managed to reset it to the correct time.

Evil genius, I tell you...

Belly Up to the Bar

For some reason, Theo is lately obsessed with bars. "Bars have scary mans in them, Mommy," he tells me...many times a day. I assure him that we won't be taking him in any bars, so there's no need to worry. Yet he's fascinated--he wants to know what they do in bars ("Order drinks, Theo...") and who goes to bars ("Lots of people, Theo. And they're not usually scary. But you have to be a grown-up."). He's fascinated by the fact that they play music in bars, too.

So lately, we've had some fun comments about the bars. One day at music class, his teacher pulled out a cello and announced that the kids could play it. Theo yelled, "Mommy! A cello! It's just like at the bar!" (Because apparently they play cellos at bars--who knew?!)

Another day, we were walking around downtown Clayton, and we stopped to get a cookie at the cafe. Chris stayed outside, pushing sleeping Sam in the stroller to keep him asleep. When we emerged from the cafe, Chris was nowhere to be seen...and Theo somberly announced, "I fink Daddy's at the bar, Mommy." (If you know Chris, you know how laughable this is. He's not a bar type!)

He has also informed me that "When I'm 21, Papa [his paternal grandfather] will take me to the bar, and I will order drinks. I will have beer and wine and bottled water!"

Last but not least, today he needed to go to the bathroom, so we stopped at a stripmall. Chris said he wasn't going to take him in Target, as he knew that particular Target had very loud hand dryers (which Theo is terrified of). So Theo piped up with a loud, "Daddy, can you take me to the bar?"

I would love to know what the people in the parking lot thought when they heard that one. Because we all know HOW LOUDLY THEO TALKS!!

Let Me Tell You How It's Done, Mommy

We have reached the age where Theo thinks Chris and I are morons who need things explained very carefully to us. This is actually rather amusing, because Theo is quite polite about it--he just explains everything in great detail and very slowly, as if he's talking to a couple of not-too-bright people. Yesterday was a good example:

Theo: Mommy, I want to ride the school bus.
Me: I know, Theo. It's not set up yet, though.
Theo: Mommy, could you call and set it up?
Me: No, they have to call me. I don't have their number. I'll check with the school office, though.
Theo: Mommy, you need to keep your phone with you. And you need to make sure it's on so you can hear it if they call you. Because they might call you, Mommy. They might need to talk to you....


But it wasn't just me. The conversation continued after I picked him up that afternoon:


Theo: Mommy, did you set up my school bus?
Me: Sort of. I called, and they said it should be ready on Thursday.
Theo: I want it now! The driver just needs to turn on the radio. Then he needs to start the bus. Then he needs to make it go "beep, beep, beep" [the warning sound the bus makes when backing up]. Then he needs to drive to Mt. Diablo. Then he will be at my house!

I love that the first step for the driver is turning on the radio--even before he starts the bus. Priorities, people! And I can just see Theo giving the driver helpful driving tips when his bus service does start!

I Think He Likes It, Mikey!

Remember Mikey, the kid from the Life cereal commercials who liked the cereal? "Hey Mikey, he likes it!" Well, Theo is like Mikey about preschool, I think. This morning, I put him and Sam into their car seats and went back in the house to get my keys and diaper bag. Then I heard this:

Theo (yelling from the van): GET IN THE CAR, MOMMY!
Me: I think you mean, "Could you get in the car please, Mommy?"
Theo (after I get in): Mommy, could you please start the car?
Me: Yes...why are you in such a hurry?
Theo: Because I want to go to my new preschool! I like my new Jennifer!

Jennifer was one of his favorite teachers at his previous preschool. I believe his "new Jennifer" is actually his new teacher, Amanda, whom he described to me when I tried to determine who the "new Jennifer" is.

We're only in Week 1, but so far I'd say Mikey likes it!

Four Going on Forty

Today after Theo's swim lesson, we stopped by Target to look for a swim noodle to use at our community pool. They didn't have any, but they do have a Starbucks kiosk, and given my weakness for iced mochas, I stopped to get one. Theo asked for a "sparkly" cake pop (a little two-bite bit of cake on a stick--kind of like a lollipop), and he had been pretty good at swimming and music class, so I bought one for him. But I really wanted him to be quiet on the ride home, as Sam was sleeping, so I bought the pop and told him that if he used his "inside voice" all the way home, then he could have his cake pop when he got home. If he raised his voice (this is a constant battle lately), he wouldn't get the cake pop. As luck would have it, he raised his voice. So I told him he had lost the cake pop. This was cause for much distress and yelling.

However, he started to shape up fairly well after a couple minutes, so I decided I'd give him a chance to earn it back. "Theo," I said, "you need some quiet time when we get home. It's a little late for a nap, but I want you to spend an hour of quiet time in your room. You can look at your books or rest. If you can do that quietly for an hour, with no raising your voice and no kicking the wall [another constant battle in our household], then you can have your cake pop back after that."

Theo, ever the negotiator, wasn't terribly pleased with the idea of a whole hour on quiet time, so he tried to negotiate. His closing argument left me both amused and rolling my eyes:

"Mommy, I am just going to go to my room and look at my books and stop all this fussing! Then when I stop whining and fussing in a couple minutes, I am going to open my door and come downstairs, and then I am going to eat my sparkly cake pop! And it is going to be very tasty. And that is the end of the discussion, Mommy!"

Well, yes, it was the end of the discussion, but only because I wasn't going to argue with a four-year-old--even one who thinks he's forty! (And yes, I won in the long run--he spent a lovely quiet hour in his room looking at his books. And earned back his cake pop. End of discussion!)

The Care and Feeding of Babies

It's a good thing I have Theo around to give me parenting tips. Today's went like this: "Mommy, please burp the baby. That's what you gotta do after you feed a baby--you gotta burp him. Burp him gently, Mommy. He's very fragile."

The best part was that he spoke with such serious authority on the subject. This from the kid who thinks it's appropriate to come up and bellow in a sleeping baby's face. Hmmm...

Jesus Was a...Scary Fireman??

After a recent visit to my sister's house, Theo informed me, "Aunt Lynnie has a sticker on her car. It's a scary, scary man. He fights fires." I was utterly perplexed...until I finally figured out he was referring to the "tortured/crucified Jesus" sticker on the back of my sister's van. Apparently crucified Jesus was actually a scary firefighter. Who knew?!

My Son the Smartass

I'm chagrined to admit that Theo outsmarts me on a somewhat regular basis. And he's now old enough to taunt me about it. Which is both annoying and amusing. Yesterday, we had this exchange in the car, in response to Theo throwing a giant fit over the fact that the lid came off his cup.

Theo (screaming): Put the lid back on my cup NOW, Mommy!


Mommy, knowing that she can't do much disciplining while driving on the freeway at 70 mph, chooses to ignore the rude demand and enact the ultimate punishment--turning off the radio.


Theo: NOOOOO! I want the radio back on!!
Mommy: Do you know why I turned it off?
Theo: Because I was fussing.
Mommy: Yes, you were fussing and yelling at Mommy. So the radio is not going back on.


Silence from the backseat leads to surprise from Mommy, who was expecting a full-blown screaming session over the injustice of the radio being turned off. The reason for the silence becomes apparent in a few seconds, as the strains of the Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling" emanate from the back seat. Theo has found his iPod and turned on the music. Unfortunately, while driving on the freeway, Mommy cannot turn around and grab the iPod to continue the "no music" punishment, so she grits her teeth and ignores it. 


Theo: Look, Mommy, I have music! I have lots and lots of music on my iPod!


Mommy ignores Theo's obvious attempts to bait her and continues driving. 


Theo: I can play songs on my iPod! I have lots of songs on my iPod!


Mommy continues to ignore this, and Theo continues to taunt Mommy while she drives, knowing that to continue to drive safely, so has to let him win this round. Mommy was both annoyed by and amused at his cleverness. The problem with having a smart kiddo....

Gender Reassignment

Theo's newest plan for Sam: "We need to put Sammy back in Mommy's tummy and let him grow small again and turn him back into a girl."

I wasn't aware Sam was a girl at one point, but apparently he was--and can be again!