Every...Little...Loophole...

Raising Theo can be exhausting. For one thing, he will find every possible loophole to try to get his way. It's not just Chris and me who have noticed this—his preschool teacher commented that it exhausted her, too. "Just when I think I've got an ironclad rule for him, he finds some way around it!" she told me once. Yes, yes...I understand exactly. We're pretty sure he'd make a cracker-jack attorney someday.

Lately, Theo very much wants to use the words "Jesus" and "God," only not in a polite or respectful way. He has heard, on YouTube, people curse, "Jesus Christ!" when an elevator isn't working, or say things like "God, this is the worst elevator ever!"

We've tried to explain that it's not okay to use the words "Jesus" and "God" in that context, and his immediate response was, "But in Christmas songs they say 'Jesus' and 'God!'" So then we tried to explain that it's okay to talk about Jesus and God if you're talking about the entity/person, but not if you're complaining about something. But as you know, Jesus/God is a very nebulous entity...and Theo is a very concrete, literal thinker. Not only does he not grasp the concept of Jesus/God, even in simple terms, but he doesn't make the distinction of talking about the person versus using the name in vain. So, exhausted with trying to explain this, we finally just said, "Those are church words. It's okay to use them in church, but nowhere else." We don't actually go to church, so this shouldn't really be an issue. But of course, it is....

So today, in the car, Theo announced, "I need to go to church so I can use my church words."

"No, you don't," I replied. "Just don't use them."

"Well, if an elevator breaks, I can use them!"

"No. That's not okay."

"Why?" Theo demanded.

"Because," I replied. "Jesus would feel sad if he heard you using his name to complain about something." (Seriously, I was out of ideas for how to get him to understand the problem with using those words in the way he was.)

"But Jesus is a ghost!"

"Well, true. But he can still feel sad. And we don't want that."

"But I can use those words in church!" Theo declared.

"Yes, but not to complain about something. You can talk about Jesus the person, but it's not nice to say 'Jesus!' when you're upset about something."

"But it's okay in church!"

"Not if you're complaining."

"But Mommy, if I'm in church, and the elevator breaks, then I will say, 'Jesus!'"

At that point, I counted the minutes until bedtime and resolved to find a new way to try to explain this. Not that I'm having any success yet....

The Literal Child, Part II

Theo is fascinated by wheelchairs. Yesterday, at the farmers' market, we saw a man in a wheelchair, and Theo kind of sing-songed, "That's man's in a wheelchair!" I immediately pulled him aside and explained that it wasn't nice to say that. Knowing that Theo is very literal, I tried to explain carefully the problem. "Most people who are in wheelchairs don't want to be in wheelchairs. They'd rather be able to walk like you and me. So it can make them sad and hurt their feelings if you talk about them being in a wheelchair. Instead, you should just say 'hi,' like you would to any person."

Theo thought for a moment and then said, "Okay, Mommy. The next time I see that man, I will say, 'Hi! You're sad because you're in a wheelchair!'"

Oh dear. Not quite...

The Literal Child, Part I

The other day, Theo was listening to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," and the line "All of the other reindeer / Used to laugh and call him names" came on. Theo wanted to know why the other reindeer would've called him "Names" instead of "Rudolph." :-)

And the Winner Is...

Good news! Chris has won a prestigious award! The award coveted by all parents! That's right, he won the title of "Worst Parent Ever," courtesy of Theo! The offense? Not putting up Christmas lights on our house. Apparently, "Santa was very, very disappointed."

Nice work, Chris!

Hair Care

Our van smelled like Mexican food today, thanks to some leftovers from lunch. However, I wasn't terribly flattered when Theo climbed in and announced, "Boy, it smells in this van! I think it's your hair, Mom!"

Evidently, being too busy to wash one's hair results in a coif that smells like pinto beans....

Who REALLY Lives in Retirement Homes

Last week, Theo's kindergarten class took a field trip to a convalescent hospital. A few days before the trip, Theo announced, "Mom, on Wednesday I'm going to go see dead people with my class!" I quickly corrected him: "Oh no, honey, they're not dead! They're old, but they're not dead! And it wouldn't be very polite to talk about them being dead, because they're still alive." Theo quickly replied, "Okay, Mommy. They're alive. Like the dinosaurs."

Oh dear...

Escalator Maintenance

Last weekend we went sledding on a manmade sledding "mountain." The owners had thoughtfully put in a "people mover" escalator-type thing to assist sledders in getting up the mountain with their heavy innertubes. I thought the people mover would be Theo's favorite part, given his great love of escalators, but he informed me that "this isn't the best escalator, Mom. It's bumpy." Then later, the people mover had a slight malfunction and stopped, and he announced, "I think they need to recalibrate it, Mom." He may actually have been right, though it was amusing to hear the five-year-old spewing escalator maintenance tips!

Rules Police

For whatever reason, Theo occasionally slips into the role of the Rules Police. Which can be slightly embarrassing. The other day, we were in the BART station, waiting for the train, and he pointed to a woman with a stroller and yelled in horror, "HEY! That woman took a stroller on the escalator!!!" Which actually is somewhat foolhardy and against the rules, but I'm not sure she needs to be policed by a five-year-old.

Later the same day, we walked by a no-smoking area where someone was violating the rules, and Theo pointed and said loudly, "That man is smoking!!!" Again, he was right, but I'm not sure he needs to be the Tobacco Police.

Sergeant Theo, reporting for duty!

It Takes So Little to Thrill Me, Apparently...

Yesterday morning, apropos of nothing, Theo cheerfully announced, "Mommy, if my p*nis hurts on Thursday, you will be thrilled to take me to the pharmacy and have me pee in a cup!"

Uh, yeah. Okay. I think "thrilled" is overstating it, but sure.

Upon My Death...

Conversation with Theo yesterday morning:

Me: Theo, I don't want you watching JimLeeElevatorMan on YouTube anymore. You can watch DieselDucy, but not JimLeeElevatorMan.
Theo: Why?
Me: Because I don't like the words he uses.
Theo: I can watch him when I'm 18.
Me: I suppose you can.
Theo: Yeah, me and Sam will go in my room and lock the door and watch elevator videos from JimLeeElevatorMan when I'm 18!
Me: Well, we don't have locked doors in our house...
Theo: Or I can watch them when you're dead, Mom.

Um...true, I suppose. Heart-warming to know that he's already planning out his activities for when I die...

Airport Security

Last weekend, we had to drop Chris at San Francisco Airport for his flight to Philadelphia. Theo was very upset, as he likes his dad to be home every night. He tried so hard to be brave, but I turned around as we approached the airport to see silent tears streaming down his face. Broke my heart! We managed to distract him with talk of airports, and one thing he wanted to know about was why people sometimes get their bags searched in the airport. "Well," I said, "there are certain things you're not allowed to bring on planes. Guns, knives, scissors... And the security people sometimes check your bags to make sure you don't have any of those things in them."

I figured that was the end of the discussion, and we dropped Chris off with a few tears from Theo, but he held it together okay. However, as we were driving on the freeway about five miles from the airport, having already dropped Chris, Theo suddenly yelled, "Make a U-turn!"

"Why?" I asked.

"You need to make a U-turn right now, Mommy! Take me back to the airport, and drop me off! I am going to walk into the airport, and I won't bring a knife, and I'm going to get on that plane with Daddy!"

Good to know he won't be bringing forbidden items with him on his business trip....

Truancy

Theo's latest attempt to get out of going to school:

Me (perusing the Parks and Rec catalog): Oh, they DO have a basketball class! (Theo has been asking to do one.) But shoot, it's in the morning, while you're at school....
Theo: Well, maybe I should just not do school!
Me: You have to do school, bud. Sorry...
Theo: But I want to do basketball instead. I'm just going to shut the school down!
Me: Really? How?
Theo: With caution tape. I'm going to go to Firestation 6 and say "Hi, I need some caution tape, please!" And then I'm going to wrap it around the school.

At least he's going to pull this off by semi-legal means, I suppose....