I'm THAT Mother...

Good grief. Theo just can't make a quiet first impression, can he? Today was his meet-and-greet for kindergarten, so we got to meet his teacher and classmates, as well as their parents. Never one to hide in the background, Theo strolled up to a group of students and their parents and announced loudly, "These kids probably don't drink wine, but I do! I like to drink wine."

I'm pretty sure my face turned as red as...oh, a nice merlot. Which I swear my child has never tried!

Technology and Drinking Buddies

Theo was in a cranky, combative mood the other day (post-vacation letdown, methinks), and the only good thing I can say about his mood is that it made for some amusing utterances. First, he spent quite a while lobbying for a laptop, finally proclaiming, "But I need a laptop, Mommy! All six-year-olds need laptops!"

First of all, he's not yet six (not even close!). Second, I think we need to go over (again!) the difference between a want and a need!

Later, frustrated with the injustices doled out to him by me and Chris, he announced, "I'm 21 years old, Mommy. And Gavin [his BFF] is 20 years old. And we're going to go to the bar, Mommy. And we're going to drink beer and wine!"

Why do I think he's probably got a fake ID hidden in his room somewhere?

He Lacks a Filter

Theo is nothing if not honest...but occasionally I look forward to the day when he has a social filter. That day has not arrived yet, as evidenced by his reaction to a situation a few days ago. He needed to use the bathroom, but someone was in the men's room for quite some time, so I eventually sent him into the women's room instead. (They were single rooms, so I was able to just send him in without me.) After he finished, he came back out--right when the men's room's elderly long-term occupant was emerging. Theo looked right at him and announced loudly, "That man took forever in the bathroom!"

Good grief. The poor guy was probably in there with stomach distress or something. I'm sure he was delighted to have that pointed out by a loud five-year-old!

Vegetarian in the Making?

Theo has a somewhat odd palate for a kid. He loves french fries and Oreos, like pretty much any kid, but he also will pitch a fit if you don't save him any asparagus. This conversation pretty much sums it up:

Theo: Mom, can I have some Brussels sprouts?
Me: Yes, after you eat your salmon. I'll save you some.
Theo (picking at his salmon): How much of this do I have to eat before I can have some Brussels sprouts?
Me: All of it--I didn't give you much.
Theo: But I don't really like salmon. I love Brussels sprouts. Can you just make me some Brussels sprouts instead, Mom?

I love that he's treating Brussels sprouts almost as a dessert--how much salmon do I have to eat before I can get my Brussels sprouts? :-)

The Sad, Sad Life of AC/DC

Theo is a big fan of AC/DC. I am not, as I think their singing is more like screaming than actually singing. It's a point on which we agree to disagree. However, because I don't like them, that makes them extra-cool in Theo's mind, and so he brings them up often. Like this morning:

Theo: Mom, I need to use the iPad.
Me: No you don't. You can use it later, when Sam takes a nap.
Theo: But I want it now.
Me: Nope. You know you don't get to use it first thing in the morning. And if you nag me about it, you won't get it at all today.
Theo: Well, I am just going to scream, then.
Me (sarcastically): Excellent. Then you definitely won't get to use it today.
Theo: Mom, AC/DC must never get to use the iPad, because they scream all the time. I bet they never get to use the iPad or watch any shows. They just stay in their room on timeout all day, every day.

Well, at least he'll be in good company, I suppose....

Yep, I'm Old

Theo will try just about any trick in the book to get more iPod Touch or iPad time. Yesterday's was rather amusing:

"Mom, I need to use the iPod Touch so I can show you some videos, because iPods weren't around when you were a kid."

Gee, nice of him to set aside his own motives and think of little old me. ;-)

So Smart, and Yet...

I realize I'm his mother and thus a bit biased, but Theo is a really smart kid. I mean, really smart. His brain runs a mile a minute, and he makes connections that amaze me. That said, my uber-smart little guy can also be less than bright at times...like this morning....

When Theo was about a year old, a friend got him a toy hammer that makes funny little fake "hammer" sounds when you pound it on things. I recently pulled it out of toy storage for Sam, but of course Theo likes to play with anything that's Sam's, so he's been wandering around with it. This morning, he was trying to hammer on various surfaces to see which ones would trigger the sounds and which ones wouldn't. You have to strike a surface with a fair amount of firmness to get it to work, so he pounded it on the table and said, "Look, Mom, it works on the table!" Then he tried it on the window blinds and announced that it didn't work there. Then he began to hammer his crotch and announced, "Mom, look! The hammer works on my 'peanut'!"

Hammering your 'peanut,' Theo...really?? So smart, and yet...so not!

[By the way, he actually used the correct terminology, but I'm changing it here so creeps trolling the Internet for questionable material don't hit on my blog!]

Well, No One Ever Said It Was Exciting...

Theo, Sam, and I were driving to San Francisco today to meet Chris at his office for lunch. Theo was, as usual, keeping up a stream-of-consciousness string of chatter about everything and nothing. All of a sudden, out of the blue, he announced, "Mom, I don't like turch."And we had the following conversation:

Me: What's turch? You mean torch? Like fire?
Theo: No, turch! It starts with a T.
Me: I have no idea what turch is. Can you explain it to me?
Theo: You know, we went one time and there was a big video screen and lots of songs....

And then it dawned on me: church! Though I was surprised he'd bring it up, since we have taken him to church exactly once--last Christmas Eve, which was eight months ago. We don't attend church, but we decided to go to Christmas Eve mass last year because both Chris and I felt like we owed the big man a thanks for sending Sam to us safely (despite some complications during labor), and because we thought Theo might enjoy the Christmas music. As it turns out, he lasted exactly 20 minutes, and then we left. And that was fine--it was long enough for us to give our thanks.

Me: Oh, you mean church! I can't believe you even remember church....
Theo: Yeah, church. I don't like church.
Me: Why not?
Theo: It's boring, Mom. It's really boring. It's even more boring than school.

Oh. Well, that's probably true. No one ever said church was particularly exciting....

Secret Professions

Although Theo and my Uncle David technically share no blood, my aunt and I are pretty convinced that they must share DNA in some way. They are two peas in a pod in many ways, even if one is five years old and one is in his eighties.

Recently, my aunt and uncle sent Theo some old maps they had been saving (for what, I'm not sure), with the comment from my uncle that "you're never too young to learn about countries changing names!" So this morning, Theo was perusing a map of Yugoslavia with great interest, asking me about the cities and such. At one point he announced:

Theo: Mom, I love maps. I want to have like 720 maps!
Me: That's a lot of maps! Hey, do you know what they call a person who makes maps?
Theo: Yes.
Me: You do?
Theo: Yes. Uncle David.

Aha! My uncle masqueraded as a botanist and teacher for all those years, when really he was secretly a cartographer!

Gender Preferences

Theo and I had an interesting conversation this morning. He has lately been obsessed with the song "Mamma Mia" by ABBA, so we were listening to it for the millionth time when he remarked:

Theo: Mom, I like the boy ABBA singers better than the girl ABBA singers. [If you're not aware, ABBA consists of two male and two female singers.]
Me: Oh. Why?
Theo: Because I'm a boy, so I like the boy singers best.

I explained to him that regardless of being a boy, he can prefer either male or female singers, and I mentioned that Grandma Diane, who is a girl, prefers male singers. But what was more interesting to me was the fact that he even noticed that ABBA has two male singers—they harmonize pretty well, so it's not terribly apparent that it's two male singers in the male parts. He has such an ear for musical details!

Above the Law, Part II

The fact that the law applies to him frustrates Theo. That was evident this weekend when we had the following conversation:

Theo: Mom, why does Theo the Boss have to sit in a car seat?Me: Who's Theo the Boss?Theo (very seriously): Me. That's my name. I'm the boss. So why do I have to sit in a car seat?

But all discussions of safety and the law aside, WHO PROMOTED HIM TO BOSS?!?! Dear god, help us all....

Above the Law

Theo desperately wants to be above the law. That was evident this weekend in his very creative solution for avoiding jail time:

Theo: I wish I was an astronaut....Me: Ooh, that sounds fun!Theo: Yeah, I want to be an astronaut so I can pick up an asteroid and throw it at the jail! I'm going to throw asteroids at all the jails!Me: Interesting. Why do you want to throw asteroids at the jails?Theo: So I can knock down all the jails and the police can't put me in them.

I see. Well, that's one way to avoid jail time, I suppose....