Bathroom Habits of the Elderly

This morning, Theo went into the bathroom with the Local section of the paper clutched under his arm and shut the door. He emerged several minutes later and announced, "Mom, most people don't read in the bathroom, but I do. I like to read the news while I poop. It gives me something to do while I'm in there." 

I see. Evidently I'm raising an 80-year-old man. So I replied, "Well, did you find any interesting news while you were in there?"

"Yes, I did," he replied, opening the Local section to a specific page. "Look at this puppy." 

Ah. Eighty-year-old man meets five-year-old boy who loves puppy pictures. Love it!

Christmas Wishes

Theo has already started to think about what he wants for Christmas this year, evidently. He informed me yesterday that "we need to tell Santa Claus to bring me a belt for Christmas!"

Why a belt, you ask? Why, to hold up his elastic-waist denim shorts, of course. It's quite stylish!

Fun with Words

Lately, Theo is experimenting with new words...with some success. Emphasis on "some." Yesterday, for example, I was out of patience with him for being noisy while Sam was trying to take a much-needed nap, and I said, "If you wake your brother up, I will be furious!" He misheard that as "serious," and for the rest of the day kept applying the word "serious" to anything that annoyed him, as in, "I was serious with the McDonald's drive-through for forgetting my fries!"

More amusing was his attempt to cast judgment on Starbucks the other day. We were visiting Grandma Diane, and we decided we'd go through the Starbucks drive-through to get a treat for Grandma Diane and me. Only Theo didn't want to go, since there was nothing in it for him. So he announced, "Mommy, I do not want to go to Starbucks! It's not any fun for me! Starbucks is boring, and it's unique!"

I have no idea what word he was going for there, but I had to laugh, since Starbucks is anything but unique! I mean, I love their coffee, but it's certainly not unique--more like ubiquitous!

The Interview

I've been looking for a babysitter for Theo--someone who can pick him up from school three days a week and keep him for a couple hours while Sam naps and I work. Today, we went to meet a woman who is interested in doing it. I was all prepared to ask her some questions, but as it turns out, Theo had it covered. When we got to her house, I said to him, "Okay, Liz might pick you up from school and watch you a couple days a week. So we're here to see whether you like her and you think you want to play at her house with her kids. They're sleeping right now, so you just need to keep your voice quiet. You can talk to Liz, but you need to do it in a quiet voice."

Mr. Loud Voice did indeed manage to keep his voice down, and given that he's very social, I knew he'd want to talk a bit to her. But I wasn't expecting a full-on interview! Before I could even get a word in edgewise, he had interrogated her:

"What's your name?"

"Where are your kids?"

"What are your kids' names?"

"How old are your kids?"

"Why are they sleeping?"

"They're sick? What's their temperature?"

"What temperature is it in here?" 

"Do you have any pets? Where are they?"

"Your cats are outside? Why aren't they inside?"

"Are they hot outside?"

"They found the shade? Where did they find shade?"

"What time do your kids wake up?"

"Where is their bedroom? How many bedrooms do you have in this house?"

I'm not kidding. And there were more questions than that--those are just the only ones I can remember. Liz wore the same expression that many adults who meet Theo wear: puzzled amusement. She answered all of his questions, and they had quite the nice chat.

The funny thing is, she has so many toys (she has twin boys and watches a couple of other kids on occasion), and Theo had very little interest in playing with them. Instead, he just wanted to interrogate Liz. This shouldn't surprise me, though--he really is like a little old man sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Mad Skills

Theo can be oddly complimentary at times. Like today, when Chris was taking a leisurely 10 minutes in the bathroom, and Theo was anxious for him to be done. "Mom, you're really much better in the bathroom than Daddy is."

Translation: Mom, you don't spend an eternity in there reading the news on your iPhone.

Still, I'm pretty proud of my accomplishment here. I think I'm going to put it on my resume.

You Know It's a Good Monday Morning...

...when it starts off with your five-year-old angrily demanding from the bathroom, "MOM! Why is there still poop in my bottom?!"

And while I was eating breakfast, no less...

How to Kick Off an Amazing Concert

Probably Theo's favorite thing to do is pretend he's performing a rock concert. He sets up his microphone, sometimes some pretend speakers or amps, and grabs his electric guitar. Then he cranks up the music, struts up to the microphone, and kicks off his show with something like, "HELLO SACRAMENTO!!" or "EVERYBODY SAY 'HEY!!!!'"

But today was a bit different. Today at breakfast, he asked me how old the Beatles were. Not knowing the answer, I replied, "I don't know—probably about 65."

And so later, after he was finished with breakfast, he set up his concert stage, cranked up "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," grabbed his electric guitar, strutted up to the mic, and yelled, "I'M SIXTY-FIVE YEARS OLD!!!"

Yup. I'm pretty sure that's how McCartney kicks off every show these days...

Self-Confidence

Theo has a healthy dose of self-confidence, as evidenced by this remark he made during our morning walk:

"Mom, the sunshine makes me even more handsome."

Indeed...

And Then This Happened...

The littlest peanut may not talk yet, but that doesn't stop him from expressing himself.

How to Win Friends and Influence People, Part II

On his second day of swimming, Theo continued his trend of making amusing remarks to his instructor. Among my favorites:

Teacher Karen (hoping to make a point about using "listening ears" in the pool): And do you remember what we said about our ears, Theo?
Theo: Um...they have a lot of wax in them.

And:

Theo (inspecting a broken pool toy): Why is this broken?
Teacher Karen: Oh, I can fix it....
Theo: It's cheap.

I think what's so darn amusing about Theo is that he says this stuff completely matter-of-factly, without any sense of being a smart aleck. He is making an honest, straightforward statement about things when he tells his teacher that our ears have a lot of wax in them, that her pool toys are cheap, that old people fart a lot, etc. Which makes it all the harder not to laugh when he comes out with this stuff!

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Theo has an incredible charm--he really just draws adults in when they meet him. His new swim teacher is no exception. She looked momentarily confused and then burst out laughing when, shortly after meeting her, he announced, "Yeah, old people make a lot of putts [farts]."

And then at the end of the lesson, I told him to take off his swimsuit and we'd put on dry pants, and he announced, "You don't take off your pants in front of people!" I agreed that this was usually true, but his swim teacher and I were the only ones there (well, and Sam), and it was okay this time because I told him he could. He promptly replied, "But you do NOT take your pants off in Starbucks!"

Indeed. Rules to live by. His teacher, trying not to laugh, seemed to agree. :-)

How to Kill a Spider

We've been overrun with spiders lately, and I happen to have a touch of arachnophobia. So naturally, I screamed when I went to pull something out of the hamper and a sizable spider scrambled up and tried to crawl on my hand. Theo leapt into superhero mode and donned a pair of my large tennis shoes. "I know how to get the spider, Mommy!" he announced. Seeing his large footwear, I assumed he was going to step on it. "Oh, you do?" I replied. "Yes! We'll put a booger on it!"

Okay, that's a tactic I hadn't considered....

How to Care for a Baby

Evidently, Theo is the authority on baby care, as demonstrated in this conversation from this morning:

Theo: Mom, I know how to take care of Sammy.
Me: You do, huh?
Theo: Yes. I do, but you and Daddy don't.
Me: Really? I think Daddy and I are pretty good at it.
Theo: I hug and kiss Sammy and talk to him. I know how to take care of him.
Me: Ah, those are all good things--but you do realize that Daddy and I do those things for Sammy too, right?

I'm not sure what Theo thinks we do for Sam, but evidently it doesn't involve nearly enough kissing, hugging, or talking to him!

Why Theo Must Live

Conversation with Theo this morning:

Theo (pointing to a bottle): What's that?
Me: Pine-sol. It's poison, so leave it alone.
Theo: Don't ever, ever drink that, or you'll die!
Me: That's entirely possible, so good plan--don't ever drink it.
Theo (matter-of-factly): Yeah, I don't want to die. People love me. They love my curly hair. I can't die.

He has a healthy self-image.  Though I corrected him and told him that people love him because he's such a nice little boy, and the curls are simply an added bonus....

Special Occasions Deserve Poison

Theo: Mom, what are you doing?
Me: Cleaning the bathroom.
Theo: Can I help??
Me: Sure--you can wash the mirror. Here's the Windex and a paper towel.
Theo: Is Windex poison??
Me: Yes, so be careful where you spray it.
Theo: Oh boy, Mom! It's a very, very special occasion today! I get to use poison!! 

The things that thrill five-year-olds. He was so excited to "use poison" that he completely forgot I had promised him some iPad time. :-)

Well, They ARE Called Potato Bugs...

Today, we encountered a roly-poly on our walk.

Me: Theo, look! A roly-poly! Have you seen one of these before?
Theo: No. What is it?
Me: It's a little bug that rolls itself into a ball when it gets scared. It's also called a potato bug.
Theo: Well, can we eat it?

Hmmm, perhaps in some cultures...

He's So Good for My Self-Image

Theo's been afraid of a lot of things lately. I'm not sure whether it's a five-year-old stage or what, but various things have been freaking him out. Including, apparently, me. While I was getting the boys in the car today, we had this conversation:

Theo: Mom! Mom, I was so scared!
Me: What? When?
Theo: When you walked around the car, Mom. I was so scared because you looked like a witch!

Hmmm, time for a new hairstyle, maybe? Witch chic is not exactly the look I was going for....