Tuesday, April 30, 2013

His Cup o' Joe

Theo had his first eye exam yesterday, and he was really nervous about it. But he did great and was very cooperative with the doctor, so I treated him to a stop at Starbucks on the way home, telling him he could get either an apple juice or a chocolate soy milk. He marched up to the cashier and said, "I would like a chocolate soy milk, please. Yes, ice!! No whip cream. And no gluten, please." The man next to him started laughing and said, "Did he just order his drink with no gluten? That's awesome!"

Theo then turned to me and solicitously said, "Mommy, would you like a decaf soy mocha?" When I said I would, he said, "Okay, I think we can get you one."

I'm not sure when I've had such a charming coffee date!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

AC/DC, Hell, and Aging

Lately, Theo is somewhat obsessed with the band AC/DC. This love started because I don't like AC/DC, and so surely if Mommy doesn't like them, then they must be the coolest thing ever! Plus, his way-cool bus driver likes AC/DC, so again...way cooler than Mommy.

Anyway, Theo's bus driver asked me if I minded if he played rock music for Theo on the way to school, as he knows Theo aspires to be a rock star. I said it was fine...naively assuming that the driver would use reasonably good judgment about what songs are appropriate for a five-year-old. As it turns out, I should not have assumed that--he played "Highway to Hell" for Theo, and now Theo wanders around singing that.

Now, really, it's not a bad song--nothing too questionable in there except the word "hell." But I don't really want him using the word "hell," so I told him it wasn't a nice word. And now I keep getting quizzed about it. Like this exchange from yesterday:

Theo (singing): I'm on a highway to hell...
Me: Theo, I told you that's not a nice word for you to say.
Theo: Then why does AC/DC say it?
Me: Because they're grown-ups, so sometimes they say things that aren't nice. That doesn't mean it's okay for you to say it.
Theo: Are they kind of naughty?
Me: I suppose, yes. They shouldn't say that.
Theo: Are they gonna go to jail for a long, long time?
Me (laughing): For saying "hell"? No, probably not. It's just not very nice.
Theo: Are they going to go to jail for a thousand minutes?
Me: No...
Theo: Mommy, how old is AC/DC?
Me: They've been around a while....
Theo: I think they're like 99 years old, Mommy.
Me (laughing again): Um, no. They're not that old.
Theo: I think they are, Mommy. Or maybe 98....

So there you go: The good fellas of AC/DC are rapidly approaching centenarian status, and they're about to be thrown in jail for using the word "hell." Oh, how the mighty have fallen....

At Least He's Poetic When He's Mad

I love Theo's creativity...even when he's mad. The other day, he demanded a toy from me in the car. He didn't ask for it, he demanded it. So I said no. He followed up the demand with a polite request, but I said no anyway and explained that he's old enough to know he needs to ask nicely the first time, not demand and then ask nicely after I scold him.

This was met with a roar from the back seat, and then he took a deep breath, composed himself, and announced, "I am a DRAGON, Mommy, and I bring FIRE down on you!"

I laughed out loud. I couldn't help myself. No ordinary "I hate you" or "You're the meanest Mommy in the world!" Nope, I get a five-year-old who sounds like something from Lord of the Rings....

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Pregnant Man

You've all heard of the Pregnant Man, right? The man who was a woman and was undergoing gender-reassigment surgery but still carried several babies to term while living as a man? I believe I'm living with Pregnant Man #2:

Theo: Mommy, I want to be a girl when I grow up.
Me: Really? That's going to be a bit of a challenge.
Theo: I'm going to, Mommy! I will be a girl!
Me: Okay. Why do you want to be a girl?
Theo: So I can have a baby!
Me: Oh. Well, you could also marry a girl and she could have the baby, and you could be the daddy.
Theo: No, I'm going to have the baby. I'm going to have a baby in my tummy. And then I'm going to get a big tummy ache and go to the hospital, and then the baby is going to come out of my tummy!

Hmmm. Well, I guess he'll have to undergo The Change for that....

He Loves Me...But Not as Much as Fruit

Fun nighttime conversation:

Me: Good night, Theo. I love you!
Theo: Guess what? I love strawberries and mango!

I really can't compete with that, can I?

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Princess Attire

Theo has become quite the sage about all things princess lately, such as this:

Theo: Mommy, princesses don't like poop on their dresses. They like sparkles and stuff instead.

And shortly thereafter:

Theo: Princesses are gnarly and gross and have poop on their dresses!
Me: Oh, really? Who told you that?
Theo: Daddy.

Hmmm. I find it very hard to believe that Chris would be telling Theo about gnarly, gross, poop-covered princesses....

Monday, April 1, 2013

Everything's a Negotiation

Theo is at an age where he wants to negotiate everything. And for whatever reason, he hasn't figured out that his negotiations get him nowhere. So he keeps trying. Recently, we had this conversation:

Theo: Mom, why can't I go in the front yard by myself?
Me: Because that's the rule. [Supposedly kids on the autism spectrum understand best when you state very explicitly that something is a rule, thus my curt response to him.]
Theo (patiently, as if talking to a young child): Mom, it's not a rule, it's a conversation.

I burst out laughing, wondering where he heard that line of BS from! Sorry, my son--it's not a conversation when it's not up for debate!

Soccer in Stilettos

Last week, I was giving Sam a bath, and Theo was rummaging around in my shoes. He came clomping out in a pair of high-heeled sandals that I haven't worn in years. (I keep shoes with heels just to remind myself that occasionally in the past, I was girlie, and not just always clad in "mom jeans" and Birkenstocks.) We had this exchange:

Me (laughing): Nice shoes, bud!
Theo: Thanks. Can I wear these to soccer?
Me: Um, no.
Theo: Why?
Me: Because it would be very hard to run and kick the ball in those.
Theo: But why can't I wear cleats to soccer?

Hmmm, I guess high heels do resemble cleats a bit. I wonder if David Beckham wears stilettos on the field?! And the next time I get dressed up, I'll have to remember to dust off my cleats.

He Really Does Bathe, I Swear...

Theo's teacher recently told me that they were discussing body parts in class, and Theo had made her laugh. I feared the worst ("penis" is pretty much his favorite word these days, so I figured it had something to do with that), but it turned out to be a pretty benign, albeit amusing, comment. Apparently, the other kids in class mentioned that everyone has two legs, two arms, two eyes, etc. Theo raised his hand and said, "I have two ears, and they have a lot of wax in them!"

I really do make sure he bathes, I swear!

Poor, Poor P-nis

Sometimes Theo's choice of phrasing cracks me up. Like this one, for example:

Me: Theo, did you go pee or poop?
Theo: Just pee. Only my penis was upset.

It took me a minute to get it: You poop if your tummy is upset, so you must pee when your penis is upset. Now every time he needs to pee, he tells me, "My penis is upset." And I try not to snicker....