Reports of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Out of the blue, Theo announced matter-of-factly, "Mom, you aren't going to die tomorrow."

Excellent. I have plans for tomorrow. No time to die...

How Batman REALLY Fights Crime

Today, we had a discussion about superheroes:

Theo: Mom, Batman gets rid of the bad guys. He bats them away!
Me (laughing): Well, he does get rid of the bad guys, but I'm not sure he bats them, necessarily.
Theo (perplexed): But his name is Bat-man...

Excellent point. I never thought of his name being derived from the verb form of bat, rather than the noun form!

Seafood Connoisseur

Theo, on seafood:

Theo: What did you guys have for dinner last night?
Me: Sushi!
Theo: Would I like sushi?
Me: You might. I'm not sure. The fish is kind of squishy, and you're not always a fan of squishy foods.
Theo: I don't think I'd like that, Mom. I more like fish sticks. They're crunchy and delicious. And the fish are dead, Mom.

Ah yes--dead. Important criterion with respect to food.

The Dearly Departed

Theo has been somewhat obsessed with death lately. Number one, he finds ghosts fascinating, and he thinks people turn into ghosts the minute they die. And number two, he's just trying to put together a very nebulous concept—Theo is very logical-minded and likes everything to have a quantifiable answer, so a vague concept like death is of endless fascination to him. The other day, we had this little chat:

Theo: Mom, I don't know what RIP means.
Me: It stands for "Rest in peace." You say it when someone dies. A lot of times when people die, they've been very sick, and when they die they're more comfortable. So you want them to feel peace.
Theo (pondering): Like Grandpa Steve. I feel sad for him because he died, but I want him to be happy. So rest in peace.
Me: Right! That would be a very nice thing to say.
Theo: I better say that to Mrs. Jacobson [his teacher] tomorrow!

Um, no. Given that she's alive and well and roughly my age, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to be told to rest in peace!

Drought Relief

We here in California are in the midst of a terrible drought. I don't think we've seen any decent rain since last May—barely a drop, in fact. Everything is brown. But Theo has a solution. "Mom," he said seriously, "if I was thirty, I would just take a big plunger and use it on the sky to pull the rain out!"

Sounds like as good a solution as any, right? Anyone have a big plunger handy?

Camp Fun

The other day, I told Theo that I thought I had found a summer day-camp for him:

Me: Theo, I think I found you a camp for this summer!
Theo: Really? What's it like??
Me: You go every morning until noon, and one day a week you get to go on a fun all-day field trip!
Theo (very excitedly): Like maybe to the retirement home, Mom?!?!?!

Yeah, I don't think the camp is going to be hiring him as the director of activities anytime soon....

I'm #2

Theo's two favorite kids in his class are a boy named Devon and a girl named Sabrina (who, he says with a wistful tone of voice, is "like a beautiful flower"). Devon was out sick today, so we had this conversation when I picked Theo up:

Me: "Who'd you play with at recess today, since Devon wasn't at school?" 
Theo: "Sabrina." 
Me: "What did you two do?" 
Theo: "Just sat and talked." 
Me: "What did you talk about?" 
Theo (very politely but firmly): "Kids' stuff, Mom. It's none of your business."

I see I've been relegated to the position of #2 woman in his life already....

More About Death

A thought-provoking conversation with the five-year-old, as we drove past a funeral home:

Theo: That's for dead people.
Me: Yup.
Theo: But how do the dead people get in there? It has doorknobs. Ghosts can't do doorknobs!

He makes a good point. He also wanted to know why they had a mailbox out front, because the ghosts wouldn't get mail. 

Our Demise

Chris and I are in the process of finalizing our will and related legal documents. Theo asked why I was calling a lawyer, and I explained in very simple terms that we are making sure that if anything ever happens to me and Chris, he and Sam have a place to live. But, I assured him, we plan to be around for a long, long time, so it shouldn't ever be an issue.

Theo immediately asked, "Where will we live?" I answered that he and Sam would go live with Auntie Lynnie if anything happened to Mommy and Daddy, and his eyes lit up as he announced, "When can we go live with Auntie Lynnie?!" I told him probably never, as we plan to be around for a long time. He seemed a bit disappointed.

A few days later, my sister called to wish me happy birthday, and I asked Theo if he wanted to say hi. He did—and he got on the phone and blurted out, "Hi, Auntie Lynnie. When Mommy and Daddy die, you can come pick up me and Sam to live with you. But don't forget to bring my stuffed animals and my bed, okay?"

Poor Theo. He'll be very sad when he finds out that Chris and I aren't going away that easily!

Wedding Apparel

Chris and I had a pretty low-key wedding, but we did wear formal attire: I wore a gown, and Chris wore a tux. Apparently not in Theo's definition, though. He pointed to a framed portrait of Chris and me at our wedding and announced, "When I marry Sam, we're going to wear track suits, just like Daddy! And big, big black shoes."

The image of Chris waiting at the altar (well, what passed for an altar at our outdoor wedding) wearing an Adidas track suit and giant black shoes amuses me greatly. It was a tux, I promise. (And yes, I did clue Theo in that he can't marry his brother...though I think it's very sweet that he wants to because, as he says, "I love him!")

Current Events

Theo has found a new love: the news. He was home sick a couple of days last week, and I pretty much let him OD on television to keep him quiet and resting. He watched some PBS kids' shows, but several times he asked me to put on the news instead. "I really like the news, Mom," he said seriously. "A lot of kids don't enjoy the news, Mom, but I do. It's very interesting, Mom. There are a lot of good things on the news these days."

Five going on fifty, I tell ya...

Entrepreneurial Spirit

Whoo! Been a while since I posted. Sorry about that—kiddo off school, then we all got sick. Here's one from this morning for you:

Theo: I think I'll teach people how to use freight elevators.
Me: Really? When?
Theo: When I'm about sixteen, Mom. Because kids get jobs in stores and stuff when they're sixteen, Mom, and they'll need to know how to use the freight elevators. I can teach them.

I like that he's already placing himself as some sort of manager/trainer when he enters the workforce. That kid's got aspirations!