Paging Dr. Small...

Theo has lately been interested in The Magic Schoolbus, which is a kids' show that teaches kids about...well, a lot of things. One of his favorite episodes is a journey through the human body, where they learn all about how the body fights off illness. And I'm quite sure that must be what prompted him to say to me cheerfully, while I was lying on the floor feeling like death from the flu, "Mommy, your white blood cells are doing such a good job of fighting for you!"

Indeed. Though I wish they would've sped it up a bit. I didn't feel better until Day 9 of this crud....

More About Poop

I've had the flu for more than a week. Not just a respiratory infection, "flu-like" cold, but the actual influenza virus. It was brutal. I haven't had it since I was a child, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I kept waiting to feel better, and when I still felt lousy on Day 8, I finally went to the doctor. But Chris had to work, so I had to take both boys with me. Always an adventure, but what can you do? And actually, Theo was quite good overall. But as we were standing in the check-in line in the reception area, with at least five other people behind us and various other people in the waiting room, Theo and I had the following (LOUD...because, you know, it's Theo...) conversation:

Theo: Mommy, I need to go potty.
Me (feeling like death warmed over): No you don't. You went right before we left the house. You're just bored.  
Theo (loudly): But Mommy, I need to POOP!

I heard laughter from several people as I said, "Oh, um, okay. Thanks for sharing. Can you hold it for a minute? I don't want to lose my place in line."

He held it, but as soon as I was checked in, he insisted that he needed to go and I needed to come in the bathroom with him. I went in the ladies' room but made him go in the stall on his own. He's perfectly capable of going to the bathroom alone—he's just afraid of toilet flushes, so he drags me in there for company. The problem, however, with me waiting in the common area while he's in a stall is that he carries on a running commentary...LOUDLY. It went something like this:

Theo: Wow, that's a REALLY BIG POOP, Mommy!
Me (inwardly cringing, knowing that there was a woman in the next stall): Okay, just finish up, sweetie.
Theo: Mommy, I need you to wipe me. It's toilet paper!
Me: You can do toilet paper just as well as wipies. Just wipe carefully and then flush.
Theo: Wow, Mommy, the toilet paper is pretty clean! There's not a lot of poop on my bottom!
Me: Fantastic... Are you finished?
Theo: In a minute, Mommy. I just want to check out what brand the commode is.
Me: Okay...
Theo: Because you know I love commodes, Mommy!
Me: Yes, I certainly do.
Theo: It's an American Standard, Mommy!
Me: Awesome. Are you finished?
Theo: Do you want to see my poop, Mommy?
Me: Not really, no.
Theo: Well, I need you to flush for me, Mommy...
Me (ready to die and giving up the battle): Fine, fine. Just come out and wash your hands so we don't miss my appointment.

I really don't know how the woman in the next stall didn't burst out laughing. I'm sure it was probably the most lively bathroom experience she'd had all week.

It IS a Selling Point...

Chris and I have started slowly house-hunting. Our buying power is pretty pathetic, so we expect this to be a long process. But we decided to go check out a possible house last Saturday morning. We met our realtor there bright and early at 9 a.m. It was the first time she'd had the pleasure of meeting Theo...and what an impression he made! One of the first things we looked at was the backyard, and Theo looked around and said nonchalantly, "I like this backyard. It's better than ours. There's not as much poop in it."

Well...yeah. Pugs will do that to a yard....

I'm Pretty Sure That's Not Legal...

Good grief, I'm raising a delinquent in training:

Me (to Chris): "Theo's class has its first field trip next week. I think I'm going to chaperone."
Chris: "Oh, cool. Where is it?"
Me: "To some art museum that has an exhibit on habitats."
Chris: "An ART museum? For kindergartners?"
And the little delinquent-in-training chimes in with: "An art museum? Why not a beer field trip???"

Um, yes. A BEER field trip would be very appropriate for kindergartners. We'll just head on up to the Budweiser factory in Fairfield and take the kids on a tour. I keep thinking Theo's going to be the frat boy who shows up at the party yelling, "Dude, where's the BEER?!?"

(The weirdest part about this is that I loathe beer, and I've seen Chris drink a beer exactly one time in eight years. So it's not like we're a big beer-guzzlin' family.)

Don't Mess with His Bacon

The words of a surly, hungry kindergartner:

Theo: How long until my bacon will be ready?
Chris: About ten minutes.
T: Or five...
C: No, it'll be about ten.
T: Listen to my words, Dad. I'm telling you it's five minutes.
C: Theo, your bacon will take ten minutes. You can't alter the laws of physics.
T: Dad, you're not following. Five...minutes... (Drawn out for emphasis cuz, ya know, Chris and I aren't too bright...)

And so he has spoken, and so it shall be...

Not Really the Look I Was Going For...

The other day, I threw on an old Green Eggs and Ham shirt of Chris's and was wearing it while Theo ate dinner. Theo looked at me thoughtfully and said, "I like when you wear that shirt, Mom. You look really handsome in it."

Indeed. I guess I wasn't really striving for femininity anyway....

Let the Woman Take Care of You...

I truly think "Let the Woman Take Care of You" is one of the worst songs ever recorded, but Theo seems to be living by that credo now that he's in kindergarten. I went to Back-to-School Night tonight, and his teacher told me that he's settling in really well socially...but that he has figured out that if he sits back and doesn't do his dreaded handwriting or art tasks, one of the "helpful" first-grade girls will inevitably step in and do it for him!

Clever boy...and why does it not surprise me that it took him less than two weeks to figure out how to work the system?!

Mr. Tact

Today was Theo's first day at his babysitter's house. She's going to pick him up from school and take him to her house for a couple of hours three days a week, while Sam naps and I work. At least, unless he manages to offend her with more comments like this one I heard about when I texted her about today's pickup. :-)

More About Booze

The roads around Theo's school are very busy, because we have no buses in our district. So I insisted that Theo hold my hand while crossing the street, but the gentleman doth protest:

Theo: Mommy, I don't NEED to hold your hand!
Me: Yes, you do. There's a lot of cars here.
Theo: But YOU can cross without holding someone's hand!
Me: Yes, because I'm a grown up.
Theo: But I'm 21! The people at Starbucks think so! 
Me (laughing): That's because you ACT like you're 21. But you're really 5.
Theo: I am not! I'm 21! I'm drinking beer and wine RIGHT NOW, Mommy!

Ah, alcohol before school: breakfast of champions.

Dr. Theo

Theo has decided he's fed up with my ongoing GI problems, which make eating out difficult. This morning, he announced, "Mommy, I am going to turn into a monkey, and I am going to fly through your mouth down into your tummy with a special bird feather. Then I am going to tickle inside your tummy with the feather, and then it will be all better, and you can eat gluten again!"

I think the celiacs of the world will be delighted to hear about this new treatment....