More About Poop

I've had the flu for more than a week. Not just a respiratory infection, "flu-like" cold, but the actual influenza virus. It was brutal. I haven't had it since I was a child, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I kept waiting to feel better, and when I still felt lousy on Day 8, I finally went to the doctor. But Chris had to work, so I had to take both boys with me. Always an adventure, but what can you do? And actually, Theo was quite good overall. But as we were standing in the check-in line in the reception area, with at least five other people behind us and various other people in the waiting room, Theo and I had the following (LOUD...because, you know, it's Theo...) conversation:

Theo: Mommy, I need to go potty.
Me (feeling like death warmed over): No you don't. You went right before we left the house. You're just bored.  
Theo (loudly): But Mommy, I need to POOP!

I heard laughter from several people as I said, "Oh, um, okay. Thanks for sharing. Can you hold it for a minute? I don't want to lose my place in line."

He held it, but as soon as I was checked in, he insisted that he needed to go and I needed to come in the bathroom with him. I went in the ladies' room but made him go in the stall on his own. He's perfectly capable of going to the bathroom alone—he's just afraid of toilet flushes, so he drags me in there for company. The problem, however, with me waiting in the common area while he's in a stall is that he carries on a running commentary...LOUDLY. It went something like this:

Theo: Wow, that's a REALLY BIG POOP, Mommy!
Me (inwardly cringing, knowing that there was a woman in the next stall): Okay, just finish up, sweetie.
Theo: Mommy, I need you to wipe me. It's toilet paper!
Me: You can do toilet paper just as well as wipies. Just wipe carefully and then flush.
Theo: Wow, Mommy, the toilet paper is pretty clean! There's not a lot of poop on my bottom!
Me: Fantastic... Are you finished?
Theo: In a minute, Mommy. I just want to check out what brand the commode is.
Me: Okay...
Theo: Because you know I love commodes, Mommy!
Me: Yes, I certainly do.
Theo: It's an American Standard, Mommy!
Me: Awesome. Are you finished?
Theo: Do you want to see my poop, Mommy?
Me: Not really, no.
Theo: Well, I need you to flush for me, Mommy...
Me (ready to die and giving up the battle): Fine, fine. Just come out and wash your hands so we don't miss my appointment.

I really don't know how the woman in the next stall didn't burst out laughing. I'm sure it was probably the most lively bathroom experience she'd had all week.