Another Clever Solution

Theo doesn't particularly like school. There's no tears or drama, and I think he likes his school as much as he'd like any school, but he's not a huge fan, and he'll try any trick in the book to get out of going. Last night's was a creative new one, though. Chris was feeding the boys dinner and asked me if I was going to work. "Sort of," I said. "I'm going to read that autobiography while I take a bath. I didn't have time to shower before I took Theo to school, and then I was busy with Sam's therapy appointments." Theo chimed in with, "See, Mom, THAT is why I don't like to go to school! I want you to be all nice and clean and shiny!"

Nice try, buddy, but your stinky, unwashed mama is still going to take you to school.

That's One Solution, I Suppose...

Theo was looking forward to a play date with his best friend, Gavin, a few days ago, and he was very upset to learn that Gavin had to cancel because he and his mom had to go to the airport to pick up his dad. His solution was a rather extreme one that probably wouldn't go over too well:

"Me and Gavin are very frustrated about this, Mommy! Can you text Courtney [Gavin's mom] right now and let her know that I'm shutting down the San Francisco airport so we can have our play date?"

I asked him how he planned to go about shutting down the airport, and he replied that the airport was going to give him a giant fence to put around it. Clearly, he has an in with the Powers That Be at SFO...

Housekeeping Clearly Isn't My Strongest Skill...

Happily proclaimed by Theo upon finishing dinner: "Wow, Mommy, thanks for cleaning up the kitchen! There's actually a place for me to put my plate on the counter!"

Yes, child, I realize this is a rare occurrence....

"Fowl" Language Prohibited

Theo announced he's not going to school tomorrow. After some detective work, I have uncovered the reason why: Evidently he is losing his recess tomorrow, and this doesn't please him. However, his teacher told him he has to live with it, as his other option was a trip to the principal's office. The infraction? Excessive gobbling like a turkey during class. 

They were working on a Thanksgiving craft at the time, so at least he's on-topic. 

That Five-Year-Old Attitude

In general, I like the age of five. I did not like the age of four very much. Don't get me wrong—Theo did and said a lot of endearing things when he was four. But it was a long year filled with a lot of battles. It was exhausting. In general, I much prefer age five. He's more mature now...more willing to cooperate...less combative...most of the time. Emphasis on most...

Me (attempting to end some sort of ridiculous argument that I don't even remember the point of): ...and that's it, Theo. We're not going to talk about it anymore!
Theo (in the snotty tone of a teenager): Why?
Me: Because I said so, and I make the rules.
Theo: No, you don't make the rules, Mommy.
Me: Yes, I'm quite sure that I do.
Theo: No, Mommy. I am changing it. I am changing it, and you don't make the rules. I make the rules, and the rules are whatever comes out of my mouth!

Good lord. That's a scary thought right there: a world where the rules are whatever comes out of Theo's mouth. God help us all...

I Should've Left Well Enough Alone

We try to encourage Theo not to use unkind or impolite terms. But sometimes it backfires...

Theo: This is stupid!
Me: Theo, don't say stupid; it's not a nice word.
Theo: Okay, Mommy. This is ridiculous, dammit!

Hmmm, maybe "stupid" was actually a better choice after all...

The Definition of a Wife

The other day, Theo asked me what a wife is. I didn't really know how to answer (a wife is a lot of things, really!), so I defaulted to, "What do you think a wife is, Theo?"

He replied, "Um...a worker."

Well, yeah, that's pretty much true, isn't it? :-)

Theo Takes Charge

Last week, Theo uttered this:

"Mommy, when Sam is four and needs a timeout, I'll make sure he doesn't have the iPad. Because I'll be in charge by then." 

Um...yeah. Because at the ripe old age of 7, evidently you get to be in charge.

Gender Crisis

Theo was interrogating me about the feminine-product vending machine in the women's room the other day. And although I'm generally a fan of full honesty with kids, that was not the day I wished to explain the menstrual cycle to my son. So I finally said, "No, you can't use it. It's not for kids; it's for women." Theo stared at it and said wistfully, "I wish I could be a woman...."

Oh, my son, if you only knew that you were basing that statement on the very LEAST appealing part of being a woman....

Prison for Elves

We have a rule that Theo has to stay in his room until 6:45 a.m. If he wakes up early, he can turn on his light and read or play quietly, but he can't come out and roam the house. (He's noisy, and some of us in this house value sleep. Not Sam, though. He'd be happy to have a playmate anytime after about 4:00 a.m.)

Anyway, the other day I went into Theo's room to bring him his school clothes, and I found him building with blocks. "Cool!" I exclaimed. "What are you building?"

"This is Santa Claus's house," he said, gesturing to the structure in front of him.

"Oh, neat. And what's that one?" I asked, pointing to the smaller structure to his left.

"That's JAIL!" he growled, in his best "scary man" voice.

Ah, interesting. I didn't know there were jails at the North Pole. I guess even the elves can get out of line sometimes.

The Silent, Stealthy Peanut

The tiniest peanut in the house, 21-month-old Sam, doesn't say much yet. He can say "mama," "dada," "up," and "buh-bye," but that's about it. However, he can say a lot with no words. Witness this scene:

In it, he says, "Mom, you were in the shower, and I was really bored. Look what I did!"