One of These Things Is Not Like the Other

Theo brought home his preschool artwork for April today, and in it I found this lovely collage. "Do you like this, Mom?" Theo asked. "It's pictures of food!"

Um...yeah. I swear we haven't been feeding him that item on the far right!

What to Do When Mom Won't Let You Use Sharp Things

The other day, a big box of diapers arrived from Amazon. For whatever reason, Theo felt the need to open this box, so he grabbed his child-friendly scissors and tried to break the tape. Perhaps not surprisingly, they didn't work, so he strode into the kitchen, where I was feeding Sam, and announced, "Mom, I need something sharp."

I laughed and said, "I'm not giving you a sharp object."

While arguing with me (because that's what five-year-old Theo does), he rifled through the utensil drawer and produced a cheese slicer. "This will work," he announced, and headed off to open the box.

"No, honey, that's not going to work, and I don't want it used on the box!" I called.

"Why?" he demanded.

"Because it's not sharp enough to open it, and if you try, you'll break my cheese slicer."

"Okay, Mom," he said, surprisingly agreeably, and put the cheese slicer back...and promptly pulled out a pizza cutter. "I'm going to try this," he announced.

I snickered, "I don't think that's going to work either, but you can try it."

"Yes, it will work, Mommy," he announced, heading back out to open the box.

It didn't...and he again lobbied for a sharp object. I vetoed, of course. I was impressed by his choice of tools, though. I'm not sure many would think to open a box with a cheese slicer or a pizza cutter!

His Cup o' Joe

Theo had his first eye exam yesterday, and he was really nervous about it. But he did great and was very cooperative with the doctor, so I treated him to a stop at Starbucks on the way home, telling him he could get either an apple juice or a chocolate soy milk. He marched up to the cashier and said, "I would like a chocolate soy milk, please. Yes, ice!! No whip cream. And no gluten, please." The man next to him started laughing and said, "Did he just order his drink with no gluten? That's awesome!"

Theo then turned to me and solicitously said, "Mommy, would you like a decaf soy mocha?" When I said I would, he said, "Okay, I think we can get you one."

I'm not sure when I've had such a charming coffee date!

AC/DC, Hell, and Aging

Lately, Theo is somewhat obsessed with the band AC/DC. This love started because I don't like AC/DC, and so surely if Mommy doesn't like them, then they must be the coolest thing ever! Plus, his way-cool bus driver likes AC/DC, so again...way cooler than Mommy.

Anyway, Theo's bus driver asked me if I minded if he played rock music for Theo on the way to school, as he knows Theo aspires to be a rock star. I said it was fine...naively assuming that the driver would use reasonably good judgment about what songs are appropriate for a five-year-old. As it turns out, I should not have assumed that--he played "Highway to Hell" for Theo, and now Theo wanders around singing that.

Now, really, it's not a bad song--nothing too questionable in there except the word "hell." But I don't really want him using the word "hell," so I told him it wasn't a nice word. And now I keep getting quizzed about it. Like this exchange from yesterday:

Theo (singing): I'm on a highway to hell...
Me: Theo, I told you that's not a nice word for you to say.
Theo: Then why does AC/DC say it?
Me: Because they're grown-ups, so sometimes they say things that aren't nice. That doesn't mean it's okay for you to say it.
Theo: Are they kind of naughty?
Me: I suppose, yes. They shouldn't say that.
Theo: Are they gonna go to jail for a long, long time?
Me (laughing): For saying "hell"? No, probably not. It's just not very nice.
Theo: Are they going to go to jail for a thousand minutes?
Me: No...
Theo: Mommy, how old is AC/DC?
Me: They've been around a while....
Theo: I think they're like 99 years old, Mommy.
Me (laughing again): Um, no. They're not that old.
Theo: I think they are, Mommy. Or maybe 98....

So there you go: The good fellas of AC/DC are rapidly approaching centenarian status, and they're about to be thrown in jail for using the word "hell." Oh, how the mighty have fallen....

At Least He's Poetic When He's Mad

I love Theo's creativity...even when he's mad. The other day, he demanded a toy from me in the car. He didn't ask for it, he demanded it. So I said no. He followed up the demand with a polite request, but I said no anyway and explained that he's old enough to know he needs to ask nicely the first time, not demand and then ask nicely after I scold him.

This was met with a roar from the back seat, and then he took a deep breath, composed himself, and announced, "I am a DRAGON, Mommy, and I bring FIRE down on you!"

I laughed out loud. I couldn't help myself. No ordinary "I hate you" or "You're the meanest Mommy in the world!" Nope, I get a five-year-old who sounds like something from Lord of the Rings....

The Pregnant Man

You've all heard of the Pregnant Man, right? The man who was a woman and was undergoing gender-reassigment surgery but still carried several babies to term while living as a man? I believe I'm living with Pregnant Man #2:

Theo: Mommy, I want to be a girl when I grow up.
Me: Really? That's going to be a bit of a challenge.
Theo: I'm going to, Mommy! I will be a girl!
Me: Okay. Why do you want to be a girl?
Theo: So I can have a baby!
Me: Oh. Well, you could also marry a girl and she could have the baby, and you could be the daddy.
Theo: No, I'm going to have the baby. I'm going to have a baby in my tummy. And then I'm going to get a big tummy ache and go to the hospital, and then the baby is going to come out of my tummy!

Hmmm. Well, I guess he'll have to undergo The Change for that....

He Loves Me...But Not as Much as Fruit

Fun nighttime conversation:

Me: Good night, Theo. I love you!
Theo: Guess what? I love strawberries and mango!

I really can't compete with that, can I?